Monday, December 29, 2008
` 12:53 AM
As the year comes to an end, i don't dare to look back.
There are many occasions of pain, anger and frustration.
There are things i regretted saying, doing and thinking.
There are people i regretted hurting, being angry with and given up on.
There are times i regretted not giving more, given too much and taking only.
There are situations i regretted being caught in, being stucked in and left unsettled.
There are also many times of joy, jubilation and thankfulness.
There are people, things, situation, work, times which i am glad that i was there, i took the initiative and i went on beyond what i would usually do.
There are also times of tiredness, disappointment and discouragement.
So many things in a year, would i even dare to look back to think about at all?
In this little black box, sometimes, Mr Jen is just hiding behind his own fears, hiding behind his own emotions, hiding behind his own actions. Hoping the day when it would be uncovered with a tinge of love and care, the slightest concern would come. At times, its too much to ask.
The most important that Mr Jen would have learnt in this year, is to stand up again from disappointment time and time again, alone.
The very fact that it even was a disappointment to start with, it was Mr Jen's own doings and expectation that at times was abit too much a burden on others.
With lesser love given, there would be lesser expectations?
That is the easy way out but yet the most efficient way of self protection.
Mr Jen's analogy : just like a paper cut, insignificant yet intriguing and piercing pain.
Next year?
Life is so unpredictable, especially with Him.
There is no way of escaping anymore.
Mr Jen just have to keep standing up and fight till the end isn't it?
~Mr Jen has spoken.
Monday, December 08, 2008
` 9:36 PM
Just before it started, i reminded myself that if i keep my mind off the track, off the distance, off the people around me, keep thinking about other things, it will be over in a flash.
By doing that, i wont feel the pain in the body, the tiredness, the dread to finish it.
At least that's what i did all these while in the night run i had, by thinking about issues in life, thinking about the impossible things, thinking about what i have missed in life, about what i already had.
But somehow, i couldn't think of other things yesterday. My mind was blank. I was not focusing on the race itself either. I was just bluntly blank.
At various points, something inside me told me to trust that i can finish it. At others, i asked myself why did i even started.
You can say that i think too much into things, but at least that was how i felt. The whole event was like a reminder of what had been in life till now.
At the start, i told Him that i leave it all to Him. Not when i cant do it anymore, but right at the start when i know i can do it on my own. He told me that to let go when i can is the most difficult thing to do and I wanted to know if its true.
There was great urge to go faster when my energy level is high, but somehow, He told me to keep pace. Slow down, maintain, no point over taking now, winning the small battle and lose the war. He told me to believe in Him. For once, i say ok.
When my knee gave in at the 15k mark, i ask myself if i can pull through it at all. Afterall there is more than half way to the finish line. i stopped by the railing, trying to steady myself. I questioned His promise to bring me through. I saw so many of them passed by me, still full of energy, and i felt lousy. The pride in me wanted so much to dash pass them and tell them i am better than them but my knee wasn't in the cooperative mood. I walked. Starting to doubt. Feeling negative about whether i can even finish. Tired and drained. HE reminded me that i was not alone and ask me to hold on to that belief. Reluctantly, i say ok again.
I took a pack of power gel, jogged to the next water point, finally have a cup of 100plus.
I told Him that i cant do this alone. i need strength, strength not from me but from Him. Weird? I felt so too but i realise i don't have a choice then, i have already started and in the midst of a race. I looked up and saw this old lady standing by the side holding a board meant for his son i supposed. It says:
"XXX Come on! God with YOU!"
I know He replied.
I carried on till the 21k mark jogging at a slow pace. Somehow, my knee hanged on.
At the 23k flag, i told myself i need a break. i started to walk again. I was thinking of what strategy to use for the remaining distance. Jog 2 and walk 1 i told myself. I thought that's the best method i could come up with. Then i realised i left Him out of the planning. What did He say about letting go right from the start?I am here trying to take control all over again. I apologize to Him and told Him to guide the best out of me. He took me step by step, walk, jog, run, all the way to the 30 mark, where my knee gave way for the second time.
I wanted to slap myself for the accident last year which make my knee such a weak point of my body. I had to stop by the side, bend down, and hold on to the barricade before i could stand up properly again. I saw this blind runner run passed me, holding onto this rope tied to his waist connecting to his pacer. I don't how he got blinded, but HE reminded me that even when i am hurt, my body has been scarred, He is still the road to hold me on, with me, all the way. I told Him i believe, stood up, and started jogging, at a pace one would rather walk.
At the 38 mark, my body was giving in to the heat. I had to stop. There was no water point in sight. i walked. Somehow it felt weird that i have come so far, with only 4 more to go, i couldn't push on. My body has already hit its maximum and is drying up. I told Him no way am i going to run again. I was tempted to walk till the end. Perhaps people say that it's coincidental, but i know its His way of loving me. I saw on the shirt of the runner in front, it says " God never let you run alone". I smile to myself and tell Him i appreciate His sense of humour.
Turning into the last corner. Last 200m dash, i saw the blind man again, he collapsed. Kneeling down on the ground, witha group of people around him holding him. I know how painful it hurt. how much toll it has taken on his body. I ran over to him, pat on his shoulder, and told him not to give up, lets do it together. I don't know why i did that, but i felt the need to, and he gave me a smile, stood up and carry on with me. I was glad that i did it.
I told HIM that He bring me through this last dash. Not to stop. pushed me all the way till the finish line.
As much as i hope that there was some familiar faces at the finish line to celebrate this joy with me, there isn't. It did felt a little bitter disappointment but HE once again let me know that there are thousands up there shouting and cheering for me. At the least, i know grandma would be.
Somehow, i felt like reliving my life in that 5hrs.
Only that i know the real life has not yet reach the finish line. Though, it has already started.
There will still be times when i want to do it on my own, times when i forget to consult Him.
Learn everyday, learn from mistakes.
Afterall, isn't it a lifelong pursuit till the end when i receive the prize from Him personally?
~Mr Jen has spoken.
Friday, December 05, 2008
` 1:47 AM
'The scariest thing in the silence of the night, is not being alone.
It is to be in a familiar place, seeing familiar faces, yet feeling so lonely that makes one feels vulnerable, and strikes fear.
it makes one realize that for every single moment of his life, he was and is feeling that way.
before the dawn sets and makes the world a better place.'
quoted
~Mr Jen has spoken.
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
` 12:12 PM
i have been stung by 张震岳 with all his slow rocks
the lyrics are not just mere words to make up the melody, but words that spoke his heart, his thoughts and his feelings.
words that spoke of mine.
if you would join me in this craze of appreciation, keep this window open and listen to the 4 songs i have place on this side.
this is not emo, this is sentimental.
怎么办? 在凌晨，我给的爱, 要不回来，这一切都是个秘密，离我而去吧。
~Mr Jen has spoken.
Monday, December 01, 2008
` 12:15 AM
我给的爱
张震岳
深夜的风冷冷无情
觉得夜昏暗
脚边烟蒂散落一地
像是我的心
被风吹起吹到那里
我在那里没有目的
我给的爱要不回来
你说过的话我不曾忘记
你却离开
我给的爱我给的爱不回来
我给的爱我给的我给的我给的爱
我给的爱我给的爱
~Mr Jen has spoken.