...Thoughts...

Friday, June 27, 2008

` 2:18 AM

The flat key of the piano tune illuminates the dark night.

Tranquility, at its very best, is the greatest distress.
Serenity, at its peak, is the self absorption.

As the mind searched for a different direction, it has passed way before.

In a different realm, the stars are oblivious.

Obscurity.

To contain yet not be immersed.

In an art of its own.

Farewell, first love, farewell.

~Mr Jen has spoken.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

` 12:05 AM

I think He works in a "i think its funny but its not" way.

Today i witnessed a perfect example of the result in the willingness to let go of issues and anger.

I have not seen this form of satisfaction from the party involved at all before.

It warmth my heart.

It was just yesterday that i told Him that if this is what He would like me to do, then help me to do it and He did.

If this is what they call as Coincidental, then perhaps my life itself is a coincidental coincidence.

All good things work for those who love Him.

*Sorry about it Zeyi. I hope things are better for you now.

~Mr Jen has spoken.

Monday, June 23, 2008

` 1:27 AM

To feel the goodness of your body is one thing which i failed to appreciate all my life. When you are sick, you wish to get well. But when you are well, you have forgotten how it feels like to be sick and the whole cycles on.

Sometimes i just think out loud that we humans, aren't we more than that?More than just a man who looks into the mirror for a moment and walk away, and once again forget how he looks like? I have affirm that concept once again. What a pity.

Back to my trip.Cambodia did me some good i guess. It rekindles some memories of last year, reminds me of things which i once held so close but yet has failed to acknowledge and remember its usefulness and importance to me at that point in time.

Its kinda different this time round. It was a different village, different people, different job scope, different mindset. I went there, with a dreaded heart. Perhaps i was tired after the whole semester of rushing, not just for work, but even for this overseas commitment. I was worried about results, about family, about myself. There was nothing that touches me initially. Not the type of feel i had before. I admit that i was being selfish in my thinking, all i want was to get back the good feelings i felt on the trip the year before, to feel how it felt like then.

But all has change. Perhaps what Aslan said in the Narnia show did ring a bell.

"Same things don't happen the same way twice."

Even when the farm land remains the same, the roads were the same, the padi fields remain the same, the sky remain the same, all has already changed. Even when i sat at the same exact spot i sat the year before, its all different now.

Can anything ever remain constant? Never change for the slightest bit?

I thought i am a science and rational person. But i have to confess amidst my own denial that at the utmost level, nothing is absolutely constant.

His love and His grace changes according to what we perceive and what we expect, though in the level beyond us, it is indeed an infinite constant.

Tears flow while i sat there. Not of sadness nor of joy. But of a sense of guilt and anguish.

I did what we set out to do there, building toilets and wells, making new friends with the villagers. I was touched by their hospitality and their simple sense of contentment. I couldn't help but be amazed. Yet i know that this is where they belong. Where they find their love and their joy. Its something we can understand and appreciate but yet can't adopt into our own set of life. Because we are people in 2 different world. 2 different sets of standards. We are different but by no means superior. On what basis can we compare in any case?

Having said that, i am unable to resist defiant human nature. I compared. Not of material standards, but of their attitude, their desires, their hope.

Never once did i failed to see that they, as an individual, never live for themselves.

Be it for their son, their parents, their friends, their cows, their home. They lived for something beyond self.

They hold on to hope for tomorrow. Grasping it like a lifeline. Without hope, in their words, there is no tomorrow.

They face death not with fear nor with bravery. For they don't feel the need to. Embrace death, because its part of living, and enter it with satisfaction of what you have done and not what you haven't.

Do we in OUR world do that?
Harshly but sadly, we don't. Who do you live for today? You and i, shamefully, knows the answer.

Its all these realities which i encountered there that brings me back to life.

I am by no means a saint. I am a victim of egoistic, power loving, pride drunk, glory hungry nature too. To think of the least i could do as a victim is to acknowledge what i am falling over on. All these keep coming back to haunt me time and time again. Its not easy.

When was the last time i say sorry and meant it?
When was the last time i did not judge a person?
When was the last time i lost but was not in despair?

The only reason i can find to keep me going is the hope i held onto.

Not the hold i saw in the village.

Its the hope of being alive again after death.

Eternity.

I am struggling. But who isn't?

Know your role, do it, be responsible about it and hope.

Every single trials in life, is a reason to hold more firmly to the hope we professed.

Being stubborn and Perseverance is just a line of difference.

*i looked up and saw my grandma's smiling face in the picture right in front of me. She smiled. And i cried. How could i not realised that she has already enter the hope even when she was still around?Why do i still hold on to things that are long gone?

~Mr Jen has spoken.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

` 1:24 AM

why do all good things come to an end?

its gonna hurt when it heals too.

it will all get better in time.

~amidst the music therapy~

~Mr Jen has spoken.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

` 9:36 PM

i thought that changing to a rock music will change the mood of this blog by the slightest bit?

A redefined direction.

Till i get well before i blog again.

This flu and fever is getting its toll on it. On the hindsight, i enjoy this moment of weakness without the worries and anxiety.

~Mr Jen has spoken.