...Thoughts...

Monday, March 31, 2008

` 1:33 AM

my heart ache when i see tears in mum's eyes. she told me she cant handle it anymore.

i felt like a hypocrite putting my arms around her and comforting her when i am one of the culprit.

God, you know how much my heart hurts. you know how painful i feel. you know how lonely i feel. you know how uncared for i feel. you know how stressful i feel. you know how confused i am. you know everything. why did you take it all away from me what you have given me? If this is the way you want it, then God, help me to pull through. i do not know how much longer i can hold on. its so easy to give me all up and say i surrender. you know how i think. you know the times when i caved in to the pressure. you know the times when ending my own life cross my mind. you know the time i live like a double face man. you know the times i love and care in expecting the same in return. you know the times when i am disappointed when no one cares, when on one asked. you know the times i wanted to go away and never come back to this place. you know it all father. would you let me lie in your arms and cry out to you? my tears are dried. i do not know happiness anymore. do i have friends? Father you know it all. if one day i were to fall, let me fall in your grace lord. not from your grace. let me know that riches are piled in heaven and not n earth. let me understand that man's praise and acknowledgment are of no significance as compared to you acceptance. let me have the hope that the day when i leave this place, i will be with you. let me love the unlovable. embrace the unforgivable. let me remain faithful in you. i fear. i fear greatly lord. would you still love me?embrace me?care for me?when the world fail to understand me would you understand?father, hold me. Because i can't carry on on my own anymore. i really can't. do not forsake me. please. that is all that i ask for.

~Mr Jen has spoken.

Friday, March 28, 2008

` 12:11 AM

Total reliance on Him is what i am and i have to be now.

It can be painful at times because when i looked back, i always thought i could but now that i cant.

Its a far cry.

For His glory only is what i need to seek.

Pain, it seems to be, a way of reminding me that i am still breathing.

~Mr Jen has spoken.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

` 1:06 AM

Somehow, i felt abandoned.

I was, I am but now, i am not.

It feels like as if anyone cares about my rant.

Brought tears.

Tears of awakening.

Can someone help?

~Mr Jen has spoken.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

` 1:38 PM

A story inspired by a close friend who has, at last found back her passion in life..

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Do you choose to go or do you choose to stay?

A question that many of us ask ourselves, perhaps not literally everyday, but every moment when we could not decide on the outcome of a situation.

A girl looked out of the trapezium-shaped glass of the little family sedan.

The huge bus beside her left a lasting impression.

It was gigantic. Much more longer, taller and wider. And there are so many people in it.

"It so interesting to have so many different friends from different places sitting in the bus together! Much better than me along with Dad here."

The thought of leaving the place of responsibility to a places of fun flashed in her mind.

The bus, though moved slower, carried in it a strong attraction to the little girl.

"Daddy, can you drop me off in the bus stop in front and let me take the bus home? It looks more fun than sitting here with you"

The words came so fast and so strong.

He expected it right from the start. He knew that the day where she wanted to try isn't that far. And right now, it has arrived.

Though it pierced him deep inside, he choose to let her go. Without doing so, she will never have understood it.

"Sure, do you have money with you?"

"No. Can i get some from you?"

"Here you go"

The door open and she ran towards the bus stopped behind.

He left.

She approached the big machine with a strong sense of happiness and hope.

Smiled beautifully at the bus driver.

But she was taken aback by his non-nonchalantness.

"Probably he didn't see me"

Turned her eyes to the back. Indeed, there were alot of people from different walk of life.

Students. Housewives. Working adults. Uncles. Babies.

Fascinated. She strolled through the crowd, looking at them one by one. Hope to struck a conversation with them, or even a wink or a smile.

None of it happened.

She tried to find a seat, but there was none too.

"Why isn't anyone talking to anyone?Why is everyone a stranger?"

It took her only 2 stops to realize that this is not the beautiful picture she has painted in her mind. It was all too different, too much for her to swallow.

She hurried down the bus, onto another foreign land. Not knowing where she was, not having any more money with her. Not knowing where to go from here.

A familiar sight appeared.

He was there. Right behind the leaving bus. He was there all along, beside her.

She smiled again.

She understood why he let her go.

To be loved and yet not be understood is the greatest pain of all.

How stops do we want to miss before we decide get off?

To leave or to stay?

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~Mr Jen has spoken.

Saturday, March 01, 2008

` 2:36 AM

One of my buddy got a call today. A call he wont never want to pick up.

No. Not that anyone has passed away nor something really bad happened.

But by the standards of education in Singapore, its bad enough to render the call as unwanted.

He got a call regarding a poorly done exam paper which requires him to sorta retake the paper again.

Having seen him studying so hard for the past week and the joy when he finished the exams and till today when he received the call.

A drastic emotional ride.

He felt angry, disappointed and more importantly, fear.

Well, i am not going to comment on the education system we have here. We are all entitled to our views and opinions. Neither am i going to compare his misery with the anxiety that alot of us is feeling now with a wanted man on the escaping from a world class security system.

Nope, i am not mocking.

But what i see on him today, the sense of unbelief, the slap in his passion for education, the reluctance acceptance of truth. It was a reflection of me a year back.

It was only at this little moment, that i start to understand.

Probably all that i have gone through (not as dramatic as it seems), is meant for today. Meant for me to understand, to comfort, to feel as he feels.

Perhaps you might say i am being too sensitive. Well, i agree.

You might say i am finding a small spot to pick on. I agree.

But even if all the coincidence that it seems to be, you have to agree with me that what i went through probably did me and him good today.

Little wonders of the world, starts from within our perceptions.

Yes within, not with.

~Mr Jen has spoken.