...Thoughts...

Saturday, June 23, 2007

` 1:08 AM

Dear Ah ma,

It has been 2 months since you left. I miss you alot. I know you are in a better place now, in Him where you don feel pain anymore. Everytime i passed by Bethany, i miss you. Everytime i saw pictures of you, i cry. But i know you woundn't want me to. You want me to be strong, to do well in my studies, to make you proud, to bring the smile to your face, to be a good grandson. I will be don't worry Ah ma, i will be.

I miss you Ah ma. I miss your smile. I miss your complaints,. I miss visiting you. I miss doing physio with you. I miss walking you at night. I miss kissing you goodnight every night. I miss praying with you. I miss your cooking. I miss eating with just you ,me and bros. I miss your apple juice. I miss your mass spread of food whenever we go over to your house. I miss your stories about life. I miss you touch. I miss your naggings. I miss talking to you. I miss your laughter. I miss bringing you home. I miss telling you everything will be alright. I miss sharing joy with you. I miss crying on your lap. I miss you telling me to go home early for dinner. I miss your call. I miss you scolding. I miss everything about you. I just miss you so much. As much as i try telling myself to move on i still miss you alot Ah ma. Cambodia is a nice place Ah ma. God has taught me that you have to leave for a better place, a place meant for you. We will meet again i know. And i know when we do i will see your smiling face. I will see your arms stretching for me like when i was young when u catch me. I know it will all be fine Ah ma.

Though i know its in His plans for what has happen..i still want to say sorry to you Ah ma. Sorry for all the unfulfilled promise. For not able bring you back to your house. For not able to help you walk. For not able to bring you to chinese doc. For not able to bring you to hospital when you are unwell. For not able to walk you to cousin wedding. Sorry Ah ma. I know i promise you we will walk there together but i didn't fulfil it. I am really sorry. I wish i could. I really wish i could. I will exchange anything for just to walk you to the church to see him get married. I know you wanted very much to see him walking down the church alley, i am sorry Ah ma. i really wish i could. But at least i know you are standin with God now looking from above on cousin's wedding day. sorry.

I still cry when i tink about you. You wouldn't want me to. Don worry i will be ok. I will study hard. I will be filial. I will be a good boy. Thank you for the 21 years that you have been with me Ah ma. Thank you for teaching me to love. Teaching to see things from another perspective. I know you have move on from your anger and hatred to forgiveness and care. Thank you for loving me as you always did. And i will love those around me like you did. Thank you for teaching me to cherish those around me. Thank you for being my grandma. Thank you for everything. I love you always Ah ma. Thank you for giving me the chance to take care of you. You are the greatest grandma.

No matter how i hate to say it again. But i know i have to let you go. You want me to let you go too. You and i know it is not easy but we have to. I hate to say this. I really hate to.

Goodbye Ah ma. Goodbye grandma.

I love you always.

Even in tears, it is tears of happiness whenever i see your face.

Thank you for everything.

Goodbye Ma.

Goodbye.

Love always,
En

~Mr Jen has spoken.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

` 6:52 PM

22nd May 2007

I din know i can cook! By God's grace i did:).

Was the welfare group today doing the cooking,washing and cleaning. i guess it was a humble experience for me. To do things i've never done and learning to learn at all times.

The market where we bought the veggie..meat...and eggs.....and more eggs...

The kitchen...cooking...

The kids still amaze me all the time with their joy. Saw the well-digging process and how the old guy who was so experience but still lost a finger to the job. Like Zhiyuan say, even the expert makes mistakes.

I start to love this freedom.We are the same as the villagers, chasing similar goals with different aspect and process only.

The most beautiful kid..Rina..she's 12 u believe?

~Mr Jen has spoken.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

` 9:54 PM

21st May 2007 (Wilson's Birthday)

"Be still and know that I am God"
Psalm 46:10

God created all these wonderful world, for us man to look after. But we failed to. We did not take good care of it. Yet, the rainbow signifies God's convenant with man that He will NEVER destroy all mankind like He did with flood and water again.

Had lessons in the school today. Their curiosity and willingness to learn really impressed me. Sometimes, i guess education does seperate people isn't it?

Teaching isn't easy at all....

The good teachers....

The eager students...

Went to have a quiet time alone in the field. Saw the rainbow and really experience God's boundless love. Its amazing how much His love is.

Had fun after dinner wrestling, running and dancing with the kids. I really emjoy the freedom and joy and shared happiness from them. Its so simple and unselfish joy shared with me. Its so Happy!

Their joy...

Happy Birthday Wilson!

~Mr Jen has spoken.

Monday, June 11, 2007

` 8:06 PM

20th May 2007

It was pitch dark last night.Total Darkness. Couldn't see at all. I experience the type of darkness without any light. Not knowing where is anything, not able to grab hold of anything. Its terrifying how darkness is. Its scary.

Didn't really sleep well last night with the gecko disturbing and backache. I am not used to slping on flat hard ground. It really hurts. Spent the morning sandpapering the classroom.Its a big difference how their school is, just a room with minimum furniture.

With the kids following every where you go is a very happy feeling.The kids here are just so children.Pure heart, a simple kind of faith. Walked to the back of the house where all the padi fields are. Saw the open field, big sky, smiling children. It makes me feel so small, so different.Both the kids and i are so real but different. We don't understand each other, yet when we see such big sky, we are all His wonderful children. I wonder how these kids see the vast nature they have. I guess they wonder how i tink too. We all wonder how God sees us. Are we significant?

In their eyes, the land is their playground, their home,their life.
They have never and wil probably never get to use internet,tv or car. Their fascination at my camara shows how curious they are. They accepted me without boundary.

In my eyes, this land is a land of foreigners. Its like a scenery but i long for the comfort of my home. Long for technology,long for MY life. I reach them with fear, with caution of illness and sickness. But yet, in them i feel ashamed. I can't find the kind of pureness, innocence. Yet i share their joy in nature, rolling around. running barefooted, all for now only.

In His eyes, He loves each one of us so dearly. So much. Not from where you are, who you are or what you are. His love is still the same.

From Him, From Them, i manage to find the pure joy and happiness in Myself.

What irony.

The floor we slp on....

Sandpapering the classroom....

The school....

The open lake.....

The kids.....

Their home is the field....

~Mr Jen has spoken.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

` 10:16 PM

Somehow i succumb to the fear in me time to time...Should i or should i not inform them?

I know i haven't put in enough effort to render any form of a second chance...but i hope they do give me another opportunity...

but when i tink of the given chance, will i be able to live up to the expectations?or do i fail badly again?...

I do trust in His plans for me and i do know it is not an easy road to walk.

Talked late into the night with bro. He told me about his worries and concerns for me. I told him some of my darkest secrets. then somehow it occurs to me.

I achieved what many wanted to for the past 20yrs of my life...
results,officer,president,family,talents...

But now its slipping away from me...in jus 1.5 years...everything changes...

Its like the story of Job.Which kept appearing to me.

He still trusted. He never question the almighty God.

Can i do the same?

I guess the Cambodia Trip does me good.

Made me understand the reason behind everything. Behind every single detail that occurred.

I cant change the past nor can i predict the future.

but i can change my life to live for Him.

Thats what we live for.

Change.

Thats the purpose of learning isn't it?

If there is no change after learning, then its like chasing the wind. It all ends up empty.

Change.

~Mr Jen has spoken.

` 9:42 PM

18th May 2007

Reached Cambodia and is at the host house now. Her name is Bee Ngoh. Its 12.30am Cambodia time. Tired. Worried about Alpha camp, the theme and stuff. Praying about it. Concentrating on Expedition now. We'll see the real Cambodia in the daylight then. Goodnight.

In the plane and on the streets of Phnom Penh

Bee Ngoh's house

19th May 2007

Day 2 in Cambodia. Moved into Prey Veng Province and then to Chan Village today. Saw the kids and played with them. Saw their innocent mind, how happy they are when playing. Walked the big padi field, so huge, it just feel overwhelmed with God's creation that nothing can be compared to it. Read the Upper room just now and its main passage is that God will tell us where to walk. Yup i hope He does when i tink about Alpha camp. For He created such a big universe, what more for a camp!Faith like a child, how true!

The place we stayed in the village....kampong style....and the kids...

The open padi fields.....

I am born in the year of ox...my brothers....

~Mr Jen has spoken.

Saturday, June 09, 2007

` 1:19 AM

got back this afternoon...feel like a fresh start..a fresh add..but the same blog....

learnt alot of things in cambodia...will slowly update my journal over there....

well...key point i learnt...

you lose something you gain something...sometimes you can choose how much to gain or lose..sometimes you cant...and its when you cant control that shapes you in the mentality of life....

oh well....

~Mr Jen has spoken.