...Thoughts...

Friday, April 27, 2007

` 1:51 AM

This song keeps running in my mind....i jus keep on singing it with my guitar in the silence of the night...whenever i thought of her...its her favourite hokkien song...i told her i would learn and sing with her but i never did until now...she's gone....tears just come whenever i sing and remember her expression when she sings too...how i wish i could just sing with her for once...

but i noe..

she is walking on in the road with Him now..and i know she sings it to Him everyday everytime...holding His hand as she enter His gates...

i love you grandma.
i miss you so much.

牵我的手

牵我的手，我的主啊，请你别离开我
这一条路，我还要走，我需要你来作伴

牵我的手，我的主啊，请你别离开我
有时我会怕，有时不知如何走，有时亲像听不到主的声

牵我的手，请主与我作伴
使我的脚步又稳有定
走到主的门前，听到主的声
跟我说，进来我的儿

~Mr Jen has spoken.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

` 12:54 AM

Sometimes when u pause and take a look at the wonderful structures, the beautiful nature and the mystified sky, u will feel that there are things that u have missed out in life.

u work hard, u play hard, u go out with friends, u spend time with your love ones, u do the things u like to do, u watch ur fav movies, u listen to ur fav songs, u drive ur fav car, u studied hard for ur exams, u try ur best whenever u can in whatever u do, u earn a good living, u grieve when u shld, u jump in joy when u want to, u cherish everythings in life.

but yea, we do miss out things in life.

Little things like ur friend's birthday, ur wedding anniversary, ur appointment with the dentist, ur house keys, ur feelings for others, ur memories...

if we could look out of our little window and look at the bigger picture of life, perhaps its more than these little things we have missed.

Have u seen the greatest mountains?the biggest sea?the widest ocean?the longest river?the heaviest rain?the highest waterfall?the smallest ant?

There is just so many things that perhaps i hav missed out in life. Things that is more than just about me, but about us.

its easy to put it off as they are jus some nature scenery that has no tangible benefits.

yea.

we are nature too.

Humanised to be in charge of the others but we are still the same.

Sometimes i sort of understand the feeling of a little child sitting by the window everyday wondering what it is like outside, what it feels like to be part of it, to be seen as a unit, to be out of this little window and get into what is beyond it.

Have you ever have such a thought?

Well, i guess not too many of us would be able to pursue such thoughts.

i tink if i din even have the slightest thought of it,

i would have missed out the biggest thing.

i would have missed out on my life.

isn't it?

~Mr Jen has spoken.

Monday, April 16, 2007

` 4:55 PM

Its funny when you miss someone.

You never know how it feels like until she is really gone.

Walking along the path that we had walked through those long evening.

Strolling through the road.

Looking at the trees.

Stopping at the junctions.

Recollection of all the conversation we had suddenly becomes so vivid and so clear.

It was just like yesterday or a few hours ago we had chatted and now she is gone.

No its not like missing someone who might just not be around for some time.

It the kind of missing that you know she is not a phone call away nor a flight away nor a distance away from you and you have so many what if in your mind that you wished you had done it.

The hurt and pain brings all the tears back but yet i know i have to move on.

Its just a matter of how long and how much tears it takes.

~Mr Jen has spoken.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

` 1:28 AM

There are some point in time when i feel that i have lost all my friends, all my dear ones, where no one actually know where am i, what is happening, what am i doing, how am i coping, why am i not responding to them...

slowly...

i guess they got tired for its tiring to call upon a non responding person..its frustrating to know that the person hear you calling but yet he is not responding..

perhaps i was too busy..i was too self-centered..i was dwelling in self pity that things hasn't been the way i want it and want the whole world to pity me..

yea i guess i have failed to see the big picture then....

sorry.

coz now i truely understands how it feels like on the receiving end

i noe she could hear me but she din response.

Perhaps she would like to but she cant.

i could only hide my tears not to let anyone see not even her.

i do not know whether this is being strong or pretendence.

but i noe it hurts deep down inside me that its me who cant bear to let her go.

~Mr Jen has spoken.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

` 2:10 AM

I dunno why but my mind kept thinking about her tonight..

Perhaps its the awkward silence in my corridor..Perhaps its just some wildful thinking in my mind..

Talked to her...tears rolled down beneath her weary eyelids..

She cant speak now neither can she see me.

I told her i am here, right beside her, and droplet came rolling down.

The nurse told me that she is sedated and is unconscious to help her breathe more easily, but her sense of hearing is the last to be lost even when she is not in conscious state.

I know she heard me talking and singing to her. She heard my prayers. She heard my encouragement.

And i know what she would say. How she would say it. The expression on her face if she could express herself. The tone she would use. The manner she would tell me how painful it is.

I know it all too well after taking care of her for so long.

How i wish i could revert back to then visiting her at bethany everyday, doing physio with her after my classes.

I wouldn't mind all the rushing from school to there and to school again.
I wouldn't mind her grumpiness at the pain in her knee.
I wouldn't mind at all her complaints about the food and how come i was late.

I wouldn't mind at all.Rather than seeing her in this state.

I know she heard what i said to her everyday. Even if she couldn't acknowledge it.

And i know He is always with her every single second even when i am not.

Trusting and keeping faith and believing isn't easy. yes it isn't easy at all.

But its only when u trust that ur limited abilities is overshadow by His limitless power.

Trying.

Trying very hard.

~Mr Jen has spoken.

Monday, April 02, 2007

` 1:45 AM

I refuse to lie down. Even when my tears are dry.Even when my pain seems unbearable. I refuse to give in to the lies and deception that will cause me to fall deeper into disbelief. Disbelieving that all things work for the good of those who love Him. Disbelieving in His plans is to prosper us not to harm us.

Be it the outcome, i will trust in Him.

For His plans are higher than mine, so does His will than my will.

~Mr Jen has spoken.