Saturday, March 31, 2007
` 1:53 AM
It hasn't been easy to see her in the state she is in now.
It hasn't been easy for anyone of us.
Intensive Care Unit.
Close to 8 different tubes into her body.
She lying on the bed, with obvious difficulties in breathing. occassionally opening her eyes.
It pains me when i see her in this state, with blood coming out of her mouth, with all kinds of tubes connecting all parts of her body.
It pains me when no one could tell me what is exactly wrong.
It pains me when i remmeber the promises i made to her but yet to fulfill.
It pains me when i see the rest of them cry.
It pains me when i cant cry.
I told her softly in her ears that i am here, and God is always here with her.
I touched her soft skin. I wished i have talked more to her then.
God, may your peace be upon her. Your grace sufficient for her. Your love endures her. Your mercy be with her. Your healing hands touched her.Please, please take this cup of suffering away from her.please!
~Mr Jen has spoken.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
` 2:06 AM
Mr Jen wept under the dripping water in shower.
He wept again within the 4 thin walls of his little room.
The events that occured hours before, though a scare, was enough to cause him distress and anguish.
Perhaps over-reacted. Perhaps too emotional.
But things are slightly tipping over.
Waiting for the events to unfold while clasping tightly in his little prayer of help.
'Remove this cup of suffering if possible, i beg You'
Mr Jen wailed in silence.
In the little corner of his heart, he wish he could walk away, carry his stuff and leave this place in search of himself alone.
He knows he cant.
Thats why Mr Jen choose to stay and fight.
Even though its a battle which is not his to fight.
~Mr Jen has spoken.
Sunday, March 25, 2007
` 10:17 PM
How weird it is that i found myself in the 3rd level computer cluster in the computer centre of NUS right now at 10.33pm.
I barely stayed at home for more than 24hrs.I found myself frequent these places these days:
Room C103
Church
NUH ward 53
Lecture theatre 7 and 7A
I tink mum sorta hates the idea of me eating dinner at home only once a week and seeing me only at places like the hospital.
i am trying hard to find time for everything for everyone and for every responsibility.
But everything comes to a standstill when i thought of how low her blood pressure is and how she only manage a few spoonful of porridge a day and how she let out the weak voice of pain.
I find it damn hard to swallow n pretend that everything is going to be ok.
If this cup of suffering can be taken away Lord, please do.
Spare her the suffering please!
~Mr Jen has spoken.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
` 2:02 AM
Mr Jen acknowledges that
1. everything that goes inside His head is often the reason why he is emo.
2. these thoughts are random and useless.
3. they causes more harm than good.
4. they are wishful thoughts of what if and what if not and is of no practical meaning or backing.
5. he should be more than contented with his present situation to think of other things.
6. he is kinda of stupid, stubborn and fat.
7. worrying does no good.
8. prayer helps even if the results are not immediate.
9. he is limited.
10. he needs to come out of his comfort zone.
11. he is tired and scared at times.
Acknowledgement can be a form of defeat or a form of victory.
Which side are you on?
Do you choose to be be defeated by defeat or be victorious by defeat?
Mr Jen has changed.
~Mr Jen has spoken.
Monday, March 19, 2007
` 11:18 PM
I just said a little prayer for peace and faithfulness when my phone rang at 7.48am.
She was on the ambulance to A & E.
I freaked out.
It was the first time i woke up early for a morning class, taking time to bath and eat breakfast.
The scene reminds me of that same call 1 year ago which i regretted not acting fast enough.
I rushed over and waited for the ambulance to come.
It came. She din really recognised me. In a state of daze.And she went in behind the doors.
I sat for 2 hours.
Must have made about 60 calls which none got through.My batt was full at 7.00am but was halfed by 9.30am.
When the doctor came at 1005am telling me that i might be the one making a deicision if i could not contact any others when the situation arise. I cried.
I am 22yrs old. I thought i could handle resposibility. But there are some which i can't.
I sat down and prayed.
Finally people came and i felt more secured. More support.
I used to thought when things happen i could handle but now i noe i am limited.
No i am not depressed or upset.
Yes i am worried because even the docs dunno what is wrong with her.
But i also noe i got a Limitless God who could and will do all things for the good of those who love Him, in His time.
~Mr Jen has spoken.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
` 2:21 AM
I went on a small adventure this week...when i went to collect my Nokia N80 from the nokia shop at causeway..(yeah my N80 died on me)...oh well the phone is perfectly well now with minimum lag and i got a new batt too which can last me ard 3 days per charging...not a bad deal for 0 cost...
alright back to my little adventure...i was driving home along kranji road when i remembered zhiyang brought me to this wulu kopitiam for the industrial ppl inside sungei gedong..wat a place right?..but the curry puff there..wah super la...so being a nice boy i wanted to buy some for my mum and dad at home..so i took a turn into this small road that leads into the woods then to the industrial park..
Sadly..the curry puff shop was closed..so i cant get the curry puff and it started to drizzle...so tinking that sungei gedong is near lim chu kang..i decided to take a small path that goes in the direction of lim chu kang..yes based on my instinct direction...then i dove passed the kranji reservoir where ppl got drowned while playing in the waters(it was raining i was alone the sky was dark and it was close to 4pm..damn scary la..)
Then i continued...
i tink i am superb...coz i saw this...
I am damn smart la in finding directions...wahahah....
Then i pass by the old lim chu kang village..saw those army guys having their FIBUA camp..oh for your info..if u have nv surrender 2.5yrs of ur life to the government..FIBUA means Fighting In Build-Up Areas...i wanted to take pictures of them and get out of the car to laugh at them..but i wouldn't want to get into trouble with ppl carrying weapons..so i laughed loud INSIDE my car...WAHAHAHHAHAHAHA...ORD LOH!
Ok then i continued..i found myself at Lim Chu Kang Beach..
Shit i went the wrong direction and reach the end of Lim Chu Kang...
But it was a nice scenery...rather tranquil and peaceful..i miss the wild and the peace...
Nice right?Sometimes i jus means the days in army when u wake up in the forest breathing the freshest air you can find in Singapore...its jus tells you how Great God is...
Ok coming back...i saw these ousted dwellers of the Lim Chu Kang Village wandering in alone the road..damn sad....
See this fellow has no place to go so he lies around the bus stop..dude it will cost u 1.66 cents to take 975 to Lot 1 man...
These 2 was apparently sneaking in the bushes when i spotted them...scandalous?
Then i saw this red signboard from far...now i understand why they ran away so fast when i spot them....
FEAR...
As i continued on my way back..i recognised this huge man-made hill..used to be a rubbish dumping ground i tink...
As you see it was raining.....but i spotted something funny..a man was standing on top of that hill..what was he trying to do?Is he trying something foolish????
Well then since it started to drizzle and i din want to get myself wet..i jus say a little prayer for him and wish him all the best and drove off...well bro..good luck:)
Oh i saw some aeroponics farm...can someone tell me what plant is that?
Looks abit coconut and banana...cocona?
Drove a bit further down i reached a place some ppl would never want to step in again...like my dear fren guixiong...
Come on its not that bad right bro?SAF have done you well by making you fit and strong..teach you that you have wasted 2 years of your life waste no more!
I continued and finally reach Lim Chu Kang Road...whohoo...the road with the size of a runway...well its an emergency run way anyway..haha...
And that makes the end of my little adventure...
Credits to my Nokia N80 for all the photos...
Well...
With Nokia, its not hard to image...
(wait is that slogan from samsung?)
~Mr Jen has spoken.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
` 11:28 PM
When i brought grandma to slp today, i asked the nurse to change her.
As she start to undress grandma, i could see the uncontrollable tense muscles trying hard to overcome its uncontrollable movement.I turned away trying not to see the pain
Then i remembered.
When i was young, grandma took me to the doctor because of a wound.
As the doctor cleansed my wound i remember screaming out in pain, calling out my grandma.
She turned away trying not to see the pain.
How much the roles have revert now?
but i finally understood the positive side of everything.
Without then, i would know how it feel now.
How true.
~Mr Jen has spoken.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
` 2:59 AM
went for coffee with xibin daoshi today.I glad i did.
thanx for your words.Its about time.
Time to Fight Back.
Mr Jen is no coward lying down like a dog giving in to your traps and deceptions.
~Mr Jen has spoken.
Friday, March 02, 2007
` 1:59 AM
Father,
If you are listening, wish i noe you are, give me strength.
Give me the strength to overcome what lies ahead.
Give me wisdom to see the right from wrong.
Give me courage to take the first step.
Give me patience to understand others.
Give me faith to steady on in this path.
Remove my pride.my stubborn pride.
Remove my anger.my hurting anger.
Remove my control.my control of my life.
Remove my hurt.my grasping hurt.
Remove my pain.my aching pain.
Remove my grudge.my unforgiving grudge.
Remove my worries.my constant worries
Dry my tears Father. I am weary.Like many others who come to You. You give them rest.
Pick me up from where i am Father. Not to be lifted up. but to feel your touch and your love.
How i wish to hear your voice Father. How i wish i could hide no longer from you.
Father. I am sorry for what i have done. Sorry for making You sad. Sorry for hurting You. At times i couldn't forgive myself but i noe you have forgiven me. Sorry for disappointing you again and again.
I noe i am not alone. You are with me.
Father, teach me to be the one you want me to be.to be the one that you are please.
The rich will be humbled. The servants will be exalted.
Pull me through this tough period father. For i do not know how long i can hold on if i am without You.
Father. Thank you for listening.
Amen.
~Mr Jen has spoken.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
` 2:18 AM
If you are sitting alone in the night, thinking about the past, worrying about the future, wondering about the present, click on the right side and play the song.
Wish.
It brought back the long forsaken tears in my eyes.
how long will it take before this will end?
~Mr Jen has spoken.