...Thoughts...

Monday, July 31, 2006

` 12:01 AM

Was at aunt's house when we digged through the old photos about 15 years ago..saw my dad in his twenties...i was glad he was there last night..i saw the photo of my aunt in 1970 graduating from her secondary school..saw the baby photos of me my bros n cousins....

There was when i turn behind and see things i have forgotten..

The days i okayed with such fun in swiss cottage secondary school..my group of rowdies..my friends in 2e4...how i felt weird when i first entered 4e1 with gx as my only fren...my longest ever fren till now...how i managed to break free from the nerd label on our class...i remmeber the statement on my report book from mr ang " Jian'en has an inquisitive mind but need to pay more attention to OBSERVING RULES."..the time after school playing soccer at the basketball court..don you jus miss them?.when u don have any worries on your future..think of things which remain as a child then...i remember the day when i collect O levels i was disappointed...i spoilt Miss Jessie Tan's would be record as the class with a perfect full A1 for e maths and a maths..i got A2 for both..

the days i toiled in Anderson Junior College...Entering a school so far away with only 6 person from SCSS go there...i live in Cck study in Amk...people says i am brainless to go all the way there to study...i stayed ther after first 3 months..all because i felt comfortable with my class 1802...i nv thought i would join back chinese orchestra again because of the disastrous outcome of the syf in sec...i nv thought i would be elected..then started the toil till syf..the result this time was sweet..much sweeter...n i made great frens in ajco..zy,merv,bh,erik,rj,huiling,sharon,shiqi,lijia,yulin,my instrument n sect,my comm..so amny ppl who toiled with me through the long days in sch..remember shiqi,rj,lijia n sharon with me will always take the train back to the west.late in the night..then early next morning i will shiqi again at the station..less then 10hrs...i think i saw more of these ppl than my family then..

then the toil for A levels...i wanted to drop subjects but teachers show faith in me..i was slping in class but teacher understood my woes...what else can i say to my wonderful teachers?Mr yip,Mrs Chai,Ms Mitina tan, Mr Choy,Mdm Tan..ad also my pd tutor ms goh..all i wanted was to pass my A levels..nothing more....

I realised alot of things has changed till then..my goals weren't the same anymore..my expectations weren't the same anymore and i am not the same anymore...no one is...except God...

Some changes cannot be prevented..while some are preventable...
Some mistakes cannot be made again..while some could be...
Some memories cannot be forgotten..while some are erased...
Some dreams cannot be achieved..while some are achieveable..
Some relationships cannot be broken..while some are lost instantly...

No one is the same anymore...

how many ifs can we say?
how many i could have can we say?
how many regrets can we count?
how many hurt can we bury?
how many blessings can we remember?
how many tomorrows can we look forward to without looking yesterday and realising today?
how many?

i turned back ahead..and found out that its not that bad...because without yesterday for me to turn back to...today to live for...there will never be tomorrow...

what about you?

~Mr Jen has spoken.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

` 1:06 AM

Why am i not smarter?
Why am i not more hardworking?
Why am i not luckier?
Why am i not eloquent?
Why am i not more determind?
Why am i not having foresight?
Why am i not from top 5 JC?
Why am i not from top 10 schools?
Why am i not selected?
Why am i not decisive?
Why am i not satisfied?
Why am i not given a chance?
Why am i not letting go?
Why am i not accepted?
Why am i not comforted?
Why am i not being listened?
Why am i not qualified?

Why am i not good enough?

Why?

I hate the self consoling pitiness that tries to burn away the disgruntled soul in me...

I simply HATE it

~Mr Jen has spoken.

Monday, July 24, 2006

` 12:25 AM

my shoulder hurts...my stomach hurts...my body feels old...argh...what is happening to me?why am i feeling so sickly?..argh....now i understand the pain that she is facing...but hers is much more than mine...more excruciating...more mind stressing....more demoralizing....sometimes i wonder why God abandon us?...but i realised He never did...its we who abandon ourselves and keep ourselves in obscurity...

shucks..how am i going to slp tonight?..

~Mr Jen has spoken.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

` 2:11 PM

suddenly i realise i haven talked to my frens for a long time...frens as in frens...WHERE ARE YOU GUYS?

i am starting to feel like a sadist again..not those perverted sadist..but a sad sadist...maybe coz school coming..maybe coz all the business gonna caught up with me..i hate to admit it but i am not prepared for it...not prepared to meet new frens make new relationships with ppl..tell myself i am no longer young anymore...it kinda sucks...

Argh....

*dwelling in old issue again...

~Mr Jen has spoken.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

` 12:18 AM

I admit i am struggling to keep my anger down...sometimes i jus seems to unable to control it..i wonder whats the anger for...

i need to control and let go........

~Mr Jen has spoken.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

` 5:37 PM

There is some conspiracies hiding in the air now...locked behind the doors of the 4 wheels...waiting to be unveiled.....Some conspiracy are meant to be conspired.....Some are conspiring....i realised that listening to conspiracy is better than talking about it...it increases your general knowledge and u can start conspiring about it afterwards..

the truth, the lies and the untold..

how long can it hide behind the walls?

~Mr Jen has spoken.