_Mr_Jen_In_HIS_Thoughts_

2009-11-26T01:27:00.002+08:00

There was a time when i was so frustrated with God that i shouted out

"Where are you God? Are You even real?"

The moment the words came out of my mouth, i realise the very fact that i am shouting to a higher authority and i have indeed acknowledged His presence.

That was when i understand the realism in Him.

He never left. He never stop talking to me. He never forgets me. He never not have time for me.

It was me who left Him and elusively trying to fit this real God into this unreal world that i stop listening.

I am the one who has no time for Him.

2009-09-09T00:26:00.005+08:00

I want to write this down so that i will remember this for a long time to come.

Hainanese or Henghwa?

I sat by the bedside, cooling down before i go for a shower. Mum was applying facial product. We chatted.

"The Vietnamese Coffee you brought back seems to be abit oily. Will it be high cholesterol?" She asked.

"No lah! Its because its straight from the coffee bean without processing that's why it feels oily but its ok one la. Vegetable oil!"

I took a deep breathe to slow down my breathing after the run.

"You don't use the glass filter, use the metal filter i brought back from vietnam to make the coffee, taste better"

Dad laid down on the bed preparing to sleep. It was 12am.

"Nowadays i cannot find any nice Kopi-O at the coffee shop, so i bought the filter to make my own coffee lor. Need 3 teaspoon of powder to 1 cup of coffee. Don't just put 2 lah mother!"

"Orh ok. Tomorrow I put 3 and try"

"Tomorrow make the vietnamese coffee for me. I haven't drink for a long time" My dad interrupted. "I want it with milk. Not Kopi-O"

I retorted "Milk where got nice? Kopi O is the best la!But now kopi O outside not nice one"

To my amazement, Dad sprang up from the bed like a boxer ready for a fight.

"You need to see which coffee shop you go!Those coffee shop name with Heng, Hui are from Henghwa or Hokkien. Their coffee so-so only. Those with Lai etc are Hainanese, they make the best coffee."

"How i know who is who? I go and ask them eh you henghwa or hainan meh?" I chuckled.

"Somemore now is S11, Kopitiam etc...everyone mixed mixed"

"You see what cup they use. Those who use glass cups are normally henghwa and i will never drink. Because when the coffee reach you it is not hot already. True coffee is drank from porcelain cups the hainanese way. They soaked the cup in hot water bath. When they serve, they will rinse it with hot water first. After that they serve the coffee. Even after you eat your food, the coffee is still hot. This is true coffee!"

"Then what about Yakun kaya toast coffee? They quite nice lei"

"Ya they are Hainanese. But now so many branch, depends on the worker. Last time at grandpa's furniture shop, there were 2 coffee shops. One at each corner of the street. The one at the lower end is from Hokkien, their coffee only so-so. The other one is Hainanese, their coffee is the best. When the boss roast the coffee bean in the afternoon, the whole street can smell the aroma. So strong and nice you just unknowingly walk into the shop and buy one. His kaya was golden brown in colour. Straight from the hot metal wok which is use to make it. Not too sweet, but very strong scent. The toast was just nice. Crust was crispy but not too hard. After the toast, when you drink the coffee, its still hot. Your grandma was so attracted to it that she ask the boss how to make the kaya and coffee, but got rejected time and time again."

"Got so power meh?"

"Of course la! The whole bukit timah area know him. Every afternoon just wait for the aroma to come dispersing into the shop. But he never passed on the the skills. His son, my classmate, was one of the 2 in my batch in secondary school that made it to University. Who want to sell kopi when you can earn more money outside? This is the true coffee. I really miss it. You can't find it anywhere now"

I stood up. Walked towards the bathroom. Not that i don't want to listen anymore but i supposed this is what you call in Economics the marginal utility rule. As you consume more, the marginal utility decreases. I did not what it to go into the negative region where i would think that he is becoming naggy. So i choose to savour the moment and let it end there.

I could see dad's eye and body language. He was flipping the blacket for no apparent reason and fidgeting. He was full of energy to carry on to tell me more.

I glanced at the clock.

12.20am. Time for him to rest before he passed the sleeping time and get insomnia again. There is another time for another story.

But for today, it has to end here.

I walked in to the bathroom, still hearing him talking to my mum who has already lied down on the bed dozing off.

"Wah his coffee really tok gong! Can never find already lah!"

The voice slowly faded away into the background as i let the water sprinkle on to my face.

I want to remember this moment for a long time to come. Because i don't know when i will ever lost them, or stopped hearing these stories. Even if it had to be repeated again, it would still be a joy to listen.

I smiled. Haven't done that for some time.

I think i have learnt to cherish alittle bit more and love alittle more.

Even if its just a little.

Thank you dad for that speech.

I am a FooChow by the way.

2009-09-02T02:17:00.001+08:00

I really want to live that dream. really really want to.

And it has to start now.

Project Africa.

2009-08-25T00:34:00.003+08:00

There are somethings which i seriously thought that i have grown out of it or have become non-affected by it. But apparently there are always some things that will come and haunt you and make you feel as though you are back to where you are starting all over again.

But this time round, it felt different. I feel a different desire and a different direction from this point. When you moved into another phase of life, there are somethings you need to acknowledge that are lost for good, while there are somethings you gotta be thankful that it is still around after all these while.

Losing is no big deal. The biggest loss is you never even fight.

And i believe in Him, that's why i live with hope.

2009-08-04T23:21:00.002+08:00

早点回家.....

2009-07-17T18:41:00.005+08:00

If you are bored and want some quick laughter. Go catch this 2 Korean movies.

Project Make Over(left) and S - Diary(right)

Think they are pretty long ago move, maybe 2 and 5 years back. But still its quite enjoyable. The normal korean romance comedy that really make u laugh.

Some things inside these 2 movies do prick out some little thoughts or memories in the corner of your mind. Gotta be careful of that.

Alas, this 2 movies are just awesome.

Catch them on www.crunchyroll.com. The streaming is fast and is high quality:)

let me see what's next.

2009-07-01T23:51:00.003+08:00

Its funny when small things and unfamiliar faces that are reminding me the way my life should be but i am not doing.

Yet its the big things and familiar faces that often allow myself to be swallowed by the wrong way of life but i find excuses for myself.

I should be thankful for at least i am aware of it.

Attempted to play the guitar and found out my fingers are no longer that nimble and agile anymore. It feels different now than 10 years ago when i started off.

More of from the inside than from the outside. More tears. More pain. More joy.

He never fail to surprise.

Even Jonah can't run away, who can?

I will sing this song forever and forever more.

2009-06-23T23:45:00.003+08:00

I wish the lie was never said before.
I wish you never use more lies to make the lie more convincing.
I wish that you weren't saying one thing and doing the other just for hiding it.
I wish for the years of friendship at least it has grown beyond the state of deceiving and hiding.
I wish all that i see were lies and the actual fact that you is still the you.

Perhaps i don't understand what actually happened to you.
Perhaps i think too much into the details that make the picture too distorted.
Perhaps i should have more faith in you, in this friendship.
Perhaps all these were just the side of the story that i see, not yours.

Friendship sometimes are just so hard to grasp.

There are some you spend a lifetime trying to build the bond, thinking that you have reach a certain level of togetherness and sense of belonging to one another, but it was just a wishful thought on your own.
There are some whom you barely talk or meet but when you do, you know that within the few minutes, the conversation is not some shallow hi-bye facade, but in depth, looking for a support, a confidante, a person you can rely on , you can trust.

I suppose be it close friends or acquaintances, the fundamental principles of making friends still stand.

Love, forgive, support, trust, honest, understanding, non-expectant, listen, truthful and sincere.

Let the sun set and bygones be bygones. For no man shall hold his anger against any of his brothers beyond the sun set isn't it?

Tomorrow is a brand new day. God-given. Forgiven.

So lets start building this all over again tomorrow.

Rome wasn't build in one day, so isn't friendship.

What i cant, God can.

That is the bottom line.

2009-06-20T01:01:00.000+08:00

Do many wrongs make one right?

Sometimes its just so hard to measure.

2009-06-04T12:18:00.000+08:00

From the Inside Out

A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
my heart and my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out Lord, my soul cries out

2009-05-30T15:01:00.002+08:00

I came to realize that i don really understand the person i see in the mirror.

A subtle discovery.

Welcome Jairus Kwan:)

I could feel her joy in just holding little jairus in her arms and kiss the 1st great grandson.

2009-05-15T16:42:00.004+08:00

Phu My 3 Power Plant - provide 10% of whole Vietnam Power Supply

Dress Code:

Clad in shirt and pants.
With a yellow helmet, safety goggles, safety shoes.
Put on the fire resistant overall suit.

Colleagues:

In a team consist of a Russian trained Chemist, a German Engineer, a British safety officer, a Filipino supervisor and a Japanese Manager, on Vietnamese soil.

Environment:

Standing on metal grills with a 10m deep sewage tank below with water gushing at almost 20metre per second and work under a 15m tall 500 degrees Celsius steam boiler, between 2 natural gas generator burning gas at 600 degree Celsius generating 750 Megawatts of energy at 500kV, hot air blowing in your face, noise that can cause deaf if no ear plug were worn in just a matter of days, bacteria filters on your left, high grade hydrochloric acid in tanks on your right, 3 hrs away from civilization, chances of death from electrocution/fire/acid corrosion/cancer 4 times higher than anywhere else.

This is what i signed up for as an engineer for the next 3 years to come.

I am lovin' it.

Good job.

2009-04-12T01:56:00.005+08:00

四月十一日

两年后的这一天，我仍然流下了眼泪。
并不是我放不下，而是我没有想到，放下是多么的难。
一路走来的怀念，后悔和自责，渐渐的迷糊。
心里的痛，是否只是一种遗憾，还是一个永远弥补不了的空洞？

说好了再见，却带着一丝的不舍。
有许多的承诺没有实现，有许多的对不起没有说。
这都以成为了过去。

实现不了的诺言，很多时候，多变成了不能放开的遗憾。
得不到的东西，也都往往成为我们认为是最美好的。

人，总是矛盾。

倘若我们能够回去，难道不一样的结局，就是更好的吗?
不知明天带来的是微笑还是忧，人生总是有很多的惊喜。

回忆是否是使人流泪的影像，还是让人温馨的图画，是个人的选择。

再见了。

我知道，你在他那儿微笑着。

这样就够了。

二零零七年，四月十一日，傍晚五点正

永在怀念里。

2009-03-23T00:02:00.002+08:00

i dunno why and i dunno how but the more i tink about it the scarier it gets.

Is it out of my own mind of prejudice that i am placing a judgment on you even before hearing you out?

Or is it the truth that is so hard to accept that i am distancing myself right now?

Either i am informed about it, or i don ever want to found out.

please.

2009-03-19T00:23:00.001+08:00

nice :)

2009-03-14T23:44:00.003+08:00

What is a faithful servant?

A faithful servant is:

At the age of 70 odd, he still

spend a day spreading love and the gospel to the handicapped on a weekly basis
left his previous appointment early even if it meant alot to him and be early for God
put on his best attire for Godeven if its just a normal event
took a cab to reach early and not just be on time
give all his strength to carry chairs, even if its 2 at a time
share his experience not to boost but to state those in need really need help
stand at his position as instructed and never left or sit down even if there is no need to stand
put on a smile at all times for Him
care for others at his own expense
willing to listen to orders given by people much younger and much inexperience
give words of encouragement and love
show appreciation when most people don't at the smallest issue
being simple
having faith

I saw all this in just one man. I call them the silent worker.

Would i be able to call myself the faithful servant at the end of my road?

I guess it would have to start with being a servant.

Thank you Uncle for showing me what i ought to be.

You are much appreciated.

Thank you.

2009-03-11T00:49:00.002+08:00

Light of the world
You stepped down into darkness.
Opened my eyes, let me see.
Beauty that made this heart adore You
Hope of a life spent with You

Here I am to worship,
Here I am to bow down,
Here I am to say that You're my God
You're altogether lovely
Altogether worthy,
Altogether wonderful to me

King of all days
oh, so highly exalted
Glorious in heaven above
Humbly You came
To the earth You created
All for love's sake became poor

Here I am to worship,
Here I am to bow down,
Here I am to say that You're my God
You're altogether lovely
Altogether worthy,
Altogether wonderful to me

I'll never know how much it cost
To see my sin upon that cross
I'll never know how much it cost
To see my sin upon that cross
I'll never know how much it cost
To see my sin upon that cross
I'll never know how much it cost

Here I am to worship,
Here I am to bow down,
Here I am to say that You're my God
You're altogether lovely
Altogether worthy,
Altogether wonderful to me

I'll never know how much it cost
to see my sins upon that cross--

If i could and i would, sing with my heart out to the one and only God that never cease to make me be awe at how much it cost to see my sins upon that cross.

2009-03-05T20:07:00.005+08:00

AS we walked through life, there are alot of things that we want even when we already have.

When you drive a lancer, you want a Golf GTi
When you have a Zen Vision M, you want a Ipod touch
When you have Samsung, you want a better Samsung
When you have a 5 room flat, you want a condo
When you have a 32 inch LCD tv, you want a 40 inch HD tv
When you have a Renoma wallet, you want a braun buffel
When you have a Nalgene bottle, you want a Nike bottle
When you have Thinkpad X60, you want a Macbook Pro
When you have a Guess sweater, you want a Ted Baker sweater
When you have $3.50 steak, you want a Lawry's meal
When you have Diesel watch, you want a Tag Heuer
When you have a Canon Ixus 5, you want a Canon Ixus 950
When you have Timbaku bag, you want a Crumbler
When you have an Ikea table, you want a Minnoti desk
When you have a 60cents Kopi O, you want a Spinelli's today's brew
When you have home baked cookies, you want subway cookies
When you have home made breakfast, you want Mac's
When you have black hair, you want to dye them yellow
When you have friends, you want to be alone
When you are alone, you want to have friends
When you have 80cents Dily's curry puff, you want Old Chang Kee Curry puff
When you have 50 dollars in your wallet, you want 100
When you have happiness, you want fulfillment
When you have warmth, you want satisfaction
When you have one, you want another.

There are plenty of wants. But along with it, there are plenty of haves as well.

Is it wrong to want when you already have? Or is it wrong to have and still want more?

How do we really reconcile all these in life? When you have, yet when you see something DEEMED as better, you want the other one.

Do we ever realise that to want, at the end, is to have, and to have, is to want more?

Even as we realise the want and have, there are some things that we have and we cannot want more.

We have hatred.
We have jealousy.
We have anger.
We have disappointment.
We have thirst.
We have frustration.
We have tiredness.
We have illness.
We have wrongs.
We have sins.

Do you want more of them?

Because if you do, they are already yours to grab without any cost.

Don't we human realise that better doesn't mean suitable?

If you want better parents, you mean they are more suitable?
If you want better siblings, you mean they are more care-able?
If you want better girlfriend/boyfriend, you mean they are more lovable?
If you want better friends, you mean they are more acceptable?

Suitable doesn't mean better.

There is no ways to the means of comparison, just like there is no means to the ways of comparison. In the end, what's yours is your. What is not yours, is not suitable for you.

Be glad that others have what you want, because its suits them.
Be glad that others want what you have, because they have what suits them as well.
Be glad that you have, because otherwise, you haven't.

Let it go, sit back, and watch the world goes round.

Because what you have today, might be gone tomorrow.

There's when you ask yourself,

am i glad that i at least have it?

or

if only.

mr jen can only look up, understand what it takes, accept the truth in life, yet still wallow in his own sorrows whenhe knows that it is just chasing the wind, ends up in nothing. absolutely nothing.

2009-02-22T23:48:00.001+08:00

What's Your Personality Type?

You Are An ENFJ

The Giver

You strive to maintain harmony in relationships, and you usually succeed.
Articulate and enthusiastic, you are good at making personal connections.
Sometimes you idealize relationships too much - and end up being let down.
You find the most energy and comfort in social situations ... where you shine.

In love, you are very protective and supporting.
However, you do need to "feel special" - and it's quite easy for you to get jealous.

At work, you are a natural leader. You can help people discover their greatest potential.
You would make a good writer, human resources director, or psychologist.

How you see yourself: Trusting, idealistic, and expressive

When other people don't get you, they see you as: Bossy, inappropriate, and loud

How apt.

2009-02-19T19:02:00.002+08:00

George Clooney walked passed me and give me a weird smile. He signal to Brad Pitt that he need to go off soon. Brad folded his eyebrows showing that he doesn't wanna leave just yet. Angelina is having a tiring time coping with the kids and they haven't had much chance to be alone like this for a good few hours. Tom Cruise grabbed George by the arm and urshered him out of the room, whispering "give them some space will you?" thinking that no one can hear him at such a soft voice. But i did.

Jessica Alba then moved over to the table beside me and started typing out loud on her Mac. No, she did not shift over because she thinks that i am cute. She came over because there was a power pulg next to my table and she could plug in for her laptop. Nonetheless, i wouldn't mind her beside me, who would anyway?Gwyneth Paltrow then stood up from her seat 6 rows away from me and made her way to the photocopying machine 20m down the shelves on my left. Her glasses were on and she looked so engrossed in her book. Poor her doesn't know how to use that old machine that she spent almost 10 minutes trying to make one copy. If not for Ben Stiller, she would have spent another half an hour figuring out that she need a cashcard to photocopy, its not for free. Ben then walk back to the shelves, took some old books which i was definitely impressed that he managed to find such book ,lest take back to read. It titled " How to be serious amidst the joking crowd? - A guide to corporate discipline".

Just as i was thinking of going back to work, Jessica leaned over to my table and asked "geez, do you know where is the washroom?" I told her that there is no wash room here, she need to go downstairs, exit from the main entrance and the nearest washroom will be about 30m from the entrance on her right. "Thanks dude" she said and went on her way. Leaving her laptop on the table with a big notice pasted on the table saying:

" Do Not Leave Your Valuables Unattended!Place Close Attention to Your Personal Belonging!"

I shrugged my shoulder knowing that some people just wont listen to instruction. I look across the room again and realise Brad and Angelina has left. Such swift action. Was thinking i could have caught them and make some small talk with them. Alas, i shall carry on with my work.
Then i startled. I realise i forgot to tell Jessica that she needs to bring her matric card along when she exit or else she cant enter again! Her card was left lying on her messy table and she, was gone. I was wondering if i should grab the card and wait for her downstairs. But i reckoned that perhaps helping her pack up her stuff, grab her Mac and go home with it would be a better option. In any case, there are plenty out there who would pay millions for a Jessica Alba's personal laptop that has got her touch and fingerprints on it even if they don't know her password.

I think i have struck rich!

~Adapted from
Short stories at 7pm for sharing in the midst of quietness, tiredness, lonliness, fascination and of everything in Hong Sui Sen Memorial Library (Dreams shall be Dreams)

PS: Bring your matric card along to pee!

2009-02-16T23:36:00.002+08:00

i couldn't control myself and i cried.

I didn't know why i cry and why i cant stop.

it feels so tired.

2009-02-09T19:50:00.001+08:00

and

make music an absolute pleasure

2009-02-08T01:36:00.003+08:00

"you can bark like a dog, you can swear, you can curse, but at the end of the day, you have to let go.when you go back to where you were before, you will realise that nothing changed, the only change was you."

Benjamin

2009-01-19T00:37:00.004+08:00

i could just go through the night listening to Rachael Yamagata's songs, think about life, dreaming about the impossible and not fall asleep. Watch the dawn set as the new day breaks out reminding me to put an end to all these thoughts.

i miss grandma so much.

so so much.

2009-01-16T00:02:00.002+08:00

For a moment the world felt like the most beautiful and comforting place to be in.

But it was only for that moment.

Life came crashing down all over again.

2009-01-07T23:50:00.003+08:00

Mr Jen has to admit that finally he has experience and understood what it meant by

"Even for a little while, it is enough. More than enough"

prayer answer?Not exactly. But He has allow Mr Jen to grapple with the phrase.

Even for a moment, it was already enough to fulfill the anxiety of anticipation.

Thank You.

~Its time to move forward once again.

2009-01-06T22:16:00.004+08:00

Was running through my old emails when i came across this mail that was the last on the list.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dated 13 October 2004

Dear Mr. Song,

At the moment we have no record of your acceptance for study in 2005.
It appears the status of your application on our computer is 'Decline By Default' which means that you didn't accept your offer in time and therefore your offer for 2005 has now been withdrawn. This is something done automatically by UCAS and here at Imperial College we have no control over it. The best thing you can now do is reapply via UCAS again (stating you wish to apply for the 2006 academic year).

Your financial status should not be affected if you reapply for the 2006 session. Once you have reapplied and been offered a place you can sort out your financial details directly with Imperial College nearer the time of your registration.

I hope this answers your query and we look forward to receiving your application.

Best regards,

xxxxxxxx

Registry: Admissions Team A
Imperial College London

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After 5 years it still ache in me when i read the email and saw through all those letters hidden at the end of the pile at the corner of my drawer. I remembered that that time i did not bear to click the DECLINE button.

As i look forward to the new year, another mail caught my eye.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dated Dec 08

Hi Jian En,

Yes, you can write an email to xxxxxx.

But so far, there is no openings for the overseas plant.

But you can try.

xxxxxx

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

These days as i sit around and think about stuff, about people, about studies, about family. I understood the point where He did not give me some things but whatever He gave me, He gave me more than what i asked for. I choose to magnify those that He did not give me instead of those that i have gotten because i believed that i deserved it.

Somehow, over the years, i think i have changed.

I am not sure is it for the worse or for better. But it appears that i looked at things quite differently from a few years back. There are things that i don do at all then but i keep doing nows, things i wouldn't pick on but it seems significant to affect me now, things i wouldn't appreciate but i would feel sky high whenever i see or feel it.

I tried to rationalise with myself these days. I cant come to a conclusion yet.

Expectations are something which i need to learn to cope with.

A friend told me

"If you have decide to do it, do it quietly, do it knowing that you will be hurt, do it so that no one will know, but Him. For if you are looking for comfort, for acknowledgement, what you get, is only tiredness."

I did not agree but i couldn't deny i felt like what he has said.

What i get is tiredness.

What a start to the year.

2009-01-02T02:23:00.002+08:00

i woke up forgetting the hype about the new year.

All that was left was the taste of anticipation of what is ahead.

Do i have to grow up that fast?
Do i have to face life in another aspect so closely?

As much as i am running away from certain issues, i need to face others.

Problems wont stop coming, neither do solutions.

What is it going to be like in 2009?

So many changes await me.

Take a step at a time they say.

I am afraid that certain things wont turn out the way i hope it to be before.

But alas, if so, He will have the best plan for me isn't it?

To 2009, Mr Jen awaits your challenge.

2008-12-29T00:53:00.002+08:00

As the year comes to an end, i don't dare to look back.

There are many occasions of pain, anger and frustration.

There are things i regretted saying, doing and thinking.
There are people i regretted hurting, being angry with and given up on.
There are times i regretted not giving more, given too much and taking only.
There are situations i regretted being caught in, being stucked in and left unsettled.

There are also many times of joy, jubilation and thankfulness.

There are people, things, situation, work, times which i am glad that i was there, i took the initiative and i went on beyond what i would usually do.

There are also times of tiredness, disappointment and discouragement.

So many things in a year, would i even dare to look back to think about at all?

In this little black box, sometimes, Mr Jen is just hiding behind his own fears, hiding behind his own emotions, hiding behind his own actions. Hoping the day when it would be uncovered with a tinge of love and care, the slightest concern would come. At times, its too much to ask.

The most important that Mr Jen would have learnt in this year, is to stand up again from disappointment time and time again, alone.
The very fact that it even was a disappointment to start with, it was Mr Jen's own doings and expectation that at times was abit too much a burden on others.

With lesser love given, there would be lesser expectations?

That is the easy way out but yet the most efficient way of self protection.

Mr Jen's analogy : just like a paper cut, insignificant yet intriguing and piercing pain.

Next year?

Life is so unpredictable, especially with Him.

There is no way of escaping anymore.

Mr Jen just have to keep standing up and fight till the end isn't it?

2008-12-08T21:36:00.005+08:00

Just before it started, i reminded myself that if i keep my mind off the track, off the distance, off the people around me, keep thinking about other things, it will be over in a flash.

By doing that, i wont feel the pain in the body, the tiredness, the dread to finish it.

At least that's what i did all these while in the night run i had, by thinking about issues in life, thinking about the impossible things, thinking about what i have missed in life, about what i already had.

But somehow, i couldn't think of other things yesterday. My mind was blank. I was not focusing on the race itself either. I was just bluntly blank.

At various points, something inside me told me to trust that i can finish it. At others, i asked myself why did i even started.

You can say that i think too much into things, but at least that was how i felt. The whole event was like a reminder of what had been in life till now.

At the start, i told Him that i leave it all to Him. Not when i cant do it anymore, but right at the start when i know i can do it on my own. He told me that to let go when i can is the most difficult thing to do and I wanted to know if its true.

There was great urge to go faster when my energy level is high, but somehow, He told me to keep pace. Slow down, maintain, no point over taking now, winning the small battle and lose the war. He told me to believe in Him. For once, i say ok.

When my knee gave in at the 15k mark, i ask myself if i can pull through it at all. Afterall there is more than half way to the finish line. i stopped by the railing, trying to steady myself. I questioned His promise to bring me through. I saw so many of them passed by me, still full of energy, and i felt lousy. The pride in me wanted so much to dash pass them and tell them i am better than them but my knee wasn't in the cooperative mood. I walked. Starting to doubt. Feeling negative about whether i can even finish. Tired and drained. HE reminded me that i was not alone and ask me to hold on to that belief. Reluctantly, i say ok again.

I took a pack of power gel, jogged to the next water point, finally have a cup of 100plus.

I told Him that i cant do this alone. i need strength, strength not from me but from Him. Weird? I felt so too but i realise i don't have a choice then, i have already started and in the midst of a race. I looked up and saw this old lady standing by the side holding a board meant for his son i supposed. It says:

"XXX Come on! God with YOU!"

I know He replied.

I carried on till the 21k mark jogging at a slow pace. Somehow, my knee hanged on.

At the 23k flag, i told myself i need a break. i started to walk again. I was thinking of what strategy to use for the remaining distance. Jog 2 and walk 1 i told myself. I thought that's the best method i could come up with. Then i realised i left Him out of the planning. What did He say about letting go right from the start?I am here trying to take control all over again. I apologize to Him and told Him to guide the best out of me. He took me step by step, walk, jog, run, all the way to the 30 mark, where my knee gave way for the second time.

I wanted to slap myself for the accident last year which make my knee such a weak point of my body. I had to stop by the side, bend down, and hold on to the barricade before i could stand up properly again. I saw this blind runner run passed me, holding onto this rope tied to his waist connecting to his pacer. I don't how he got blinded, but HE reminded me that even when i am hurt, my body has been scarred, He is still the road to hold me on, with me, all the way. I told Him i believe, stood up, and started jogging, at a pace one would rather walk.

At the 38 mark, my body was giving in to the heat. I had to stop. There was no water point in sight. i walked. Somehow it felt weird that i have come so far, with only 4 more to go, i couldn't push on. My body has already hit its maximum and is drying up. I told Him no way am i going to run again. I was tempted to walk till the end. Perhaps people say that it's coincidental, but i know its His way of loving me. I saw on the shirt of the runner in front, it says " God never let you run alone". I smile to myself and tell Him i appreciate His sense of humour.

Turning into the last corner. Last 200m dash, i saw the blind man again, he collapsed. Kneeling down on the ground, witha group of people around him holding him. I know how painful it hurt. how much toll it has taken on his body. I ran over to him, pat on his shoulder, and told him not to give up, lets do it together. I don't know why i did that, but i felt the need to, and he gave me a smile, stood up and carry on with me. I was glad that i did it.

I told HIM that He bring me through this last dash. Not to stop. pushed me all the way till the finish line.

As much as i hope that there was some familiar faces at the finish line to celebrate this joy with me, there isn't. It did felt a little bitter disappointment but HE once again let me know that there are thousands up there shouting and cheering for me. At the least, i know grandma would be.

Somehow, i felt like reliving my life in that 5hrs.

Only that i know the real life has not yet reach the finish line. Though, it has already started.

There will still be times when i want to do it on my own, times when i forget to consult Him.

Learn everyday, learn from mistakes.

Afterall, isn't it a lifelong pursuit till the end when i receive the prize from Him personally?

2008-12-05T01:47:00.004+08:00

'The scariest thing in the silence of the night, is not being alone.

It is to be in a familiar place, seeing familiar faces, yet feeling so lonely that makes one feels vulnerable, and strikes fear.

it makes one realize that for every single moment of his life, he was and is feeling that way.

before the dawn sets and makes the world a better place.'

quoted

2008-12-03T12:12:00.002+08:00

i have been stung by 张震岳 with all his slow rocks

the lyrics are not just mere words to make up the melody, but words that spoke his heart, his thoughts and his feelings.

words that spoke of mine.

if you would join me in this craze of appreciation, keep this window open and listen to the 4 songs i have place on this side.

this is not emo, this is sentimental.

怎么办? 在凌晨，我给的爱, 要不回来，这一切都是个秘密，离我而去吧。

2008-12-01T00:15:00.005+08:00

我给的爱

张震岳

深夜的风冷冷无情
觉得夜昏暗
脚边烟蒂散落一地
像是我的心
被风吹起吹到那里
我在那里没有目的

我给的爱要不回来
你说过的话我不曾忘记
你却离开

我给的爱我给的爱不回来
我给的爱我给的我给的我给的爱
我给的爱我给的爱

2008-11-29T23:22:00.002+08:00

Mr Jen thought that being himself is tough.
But he never realise that being the people around Mr Jen is harder.

Perhaps he is just too demanding or expecting too much that he has this undue stress on these poor friends around him.

Its a tough balancing act. So easy to throw in the towel.

Teach me to never stop doing good and look for the rewards in the place You have prepared for me
Teach me not to seek the eyes of the world but of Yours.
Teach me to forgive like You do.
Teach me to love unconditionally like You do.
How did You do?
When the whole world condemned You, no one acknowledging what You have done,
No one appreciates Your sacrifices, no one believe in You, everyone heaped blame on You.
How did You turn around and say

YOU FORGIVE
YOU LOVE
YOU DO NOT REMEMBER THESE TRANSGRESSION THAT THEY HAD AGAINST YOU?
YOU WANT THEM BACK AS LONG AS THEY ARE WILLING TO COME BACK.

Just how? because i can't.
I can't be the man in the shadow like You did.
The one that hides behind the curtains and tears alone in the the dark
Crying for forgiveness of the others
while seeking the healing of the hurt and scars that has they have brought onto You on your own
I can't walk away from these and stand up strong again like You.
For You have already given up Yourself for them, but i have not.
I can't bring myself to for now.
One day, i hope i can.

Teach me to see every scar as a reminder of not the hurt, but the times You were with me when no one were.
Teach me to hold on to you even when the storm is here.
Because i have taken the first step, and i have given myself to You.

Teach me to believe.
And never doubt that You always wanted the best for me.

I wait upon You.

2008-11-19T01:47:00.003+08:00

Some how i wish sometime i could have reverse back and waited a bit longer before i make any decisions. Some times when it passes you by, it is gone. What is left behind is the lingering effect of making you think what it would have been if only. We can only imagine and perceive the good that might have been, we tend not to look at the bad that it would have been. I supposed its a human thing that we are all made in that way.

I want to stop lingering the the "if only" mode and start living in the "this is more than enough" mode. I can't keep thinking about the 'what if' because it is affecting the way i look at things right now. It is not doing any good because i am just living in a perceived world when the actual fact is that i am facing reality everyday.

When its missed, its over.

No one knows what will happen in the future, only Him

Come on Mr Jen, stop harping on it like a big kid throwing tantrums over little toys.

There is no IF ONLY, there is only I ALREADY HAVE THIS.

you are killing yourself over it Mr Jen.

Drop it or drop it.

No other options.

Its over Mr Jen.

OVER!

2008-11-14T23:55:00.003+08:00

Don't you just love video with the song SO SICK?

yes its sickening engineering stuff but i kinda start to like it.

goodness me Mr Jen...how could you?....

*check out the medicine box man..its super cool la!

2008-11-13T23:54:00.014+08:00

After all the toiling and late nights...the last day of pushing till 4am in school....the pain and feeling of being toyed by the electronic world..it all come to an end at 3.38pm today..

Finally, CHANGE IS HERE.

My beloved subsystem...Mr Jen's PHMD.

PHMD?
Yes PHMD.
Personal Health Monitoring System.

Uses :
Constant measurement of Electrocardiograph(aka heart rate) and temperature of user and transmit wirelessly to the AMD.

The electrodes for my ECG.They never fail to electrocute me an pass voltage up to 15V through my body and make me fill the 'ants' crawling ard me feeling

PHA. Yes PHA.

Personal Health Assistant (by Taiqin)

Uses:
Communication between central data base via AMD between user and the nurse.
Reminder for medication, distress alarm, personal info etc...

MDU. Yes.

Medicine Dispensing Unit (by Qijia)

Uses:
Auto dispense medication upon scanned card by user. Regulate the pills to be taken and stop overdosage.

AMD.

Area Monitoring Device (by ChangYung)

Uses:
Act as communicator for wireless transmission between PHA /PHMD and the central data base.
Has fall detector which send an alarm when detected vibration on the floor beyond a threshold level.

It wasn't till 1hr before the presentation that we had go our stuff working as one integrated system. And my ECG just want to fail me the night before and finally work like 15 minuted before the prof and supervisors came?i was almost down to tears. 13 weeks of hard work was almost undone at that instant.

I know all things will be okay in His time. Though might not be the type of okay i am looking for or the way i hope things will be. But things still worked out.

The supervisors were quite impressed with our stuff i think. They din grill us like they did to other groups. i hope this is a good sign. Though i wanted so much to end this project module but i now i feel abit empty that it ended...weird...but i am really thankful for my group mates who helped me through out...stickin on man...hope to work together again..though the 2 of u r leaving for exchange next sem!..ha..

Thank Him for i do think, for moment like this, i learnt once again what is Faith and what is His will is always greater and better than mine.

3 more weeks and sem will end.

3 more sems to working life.

and after that 3 more years to finish bond.

a life time to learn.

Nonetheless, thank you team Obama Healthcare. (we are how spot on for the elections la!)

CHANGE IS HERE!

2008-11-08T23:23:00.001+08:00

i need to stop all these thoughts in me that is derailing me from my focus and my concentration. I need to remain on track. Its always when i am starting to get on the right track that it comes and make me lose direction.

I need to get them off my mind and come back to Him.

Focus.

2008-11-02T01:38:00.002+08:00

if i could indulge in music that makes me realise that the world without the harmonics of sounds is not jus bland but colourless, i would gladly let this self indulges become a form of habitual living.

good gracious.

Why does music understand how i feel better than human do?

This is weird.

2008-10-31T02:13:00.002+08:00

I got a rude awakening this morning as i received a sms from my beloved Dr Andrew.

"Have you trained for 7th Dec? I only run up till 10km lei"

I think to myself on my bed.

I barely even make it to 8!

Gosh and its just 5 weeks away.

So i came home today, changed and went running. Despite all the tiredness and headache, i wanted to push myself. Afterall, isn't pushing your self to the limit the act that everyone is doing by signing up for marathon?

So i went.

I enjoy the night breeze, with the smell of burnt wood.

I could feel my knees creaking, my heart pounding like a overloaded washing machine, my head spinning and the sound of madonna's "give it to me" from my mp3.

To my own amazement, i ran more than what i planned.

I kinda like this running part. It seems like He talked to me while i run. I always learn alot of lessons in the process as i let my mind drift into issues and problems i face. Think about the things that i don dare to probe in my daily life, fearing that they could drag me away from my day to day work. Trying to understand why certain things occur, why certain people appear in my life, why certain decisions i made were affecting me now.

Perhaps the road back seems so long, that it reflects on my life that i dunno where does it end. I could only struggle to cover the ground every single seconds,telling myself not to give up, it will be there soon.

I can't rely on myself. I have to depend on Him.

The soul is willing but the flesh is weak.

This is a practical example i guess.

The part which i liked most, end of the run.

I sat alone at the playground facing the expressway. Seeing the cars go by in the bright street lamp, alot of things run through my mind.

I supposed at times i am so absorbed into the world that i don't even know that i am move at a speed that i can't imagine myself in. Only when i stop and look around that i realise the relative pace i have gone up to is terrifying.

I tink running is a manner which i can go away from myself and let myself SEE myself from another perspective.

Sound like tropic thunder.

In any case, be it i walk or run on the 7th Dec, i know it will be the day where i can look at myself again, perhaps, in a better light.

*Oh man, my friend gave birth!

2008-10-27T17:27:00.003+08:00

I am sitting alone in a dark isolated corner in the Faculty of Engineering in NUS.

Sky is turning dark, rain are falling down and the winding howling straight into my face in this Monday afternoon.

For the first time, i savour this moment of madness in this school.

Yes, for the very first time, i appreciate this school.

The tranquility it gave me to be focused on what needs to be done.

Though i am disgusted by the number of people occupying the benches in this faculty despite being a public holiday. Horrified for the fact that i can't find a seat to eat at Macs when it is so crowded with fellow 'engineers' on this day. Disturbed by the reality that i am not alone in this school in today and everyone and anyone is pushing as hard as me in the last 3 weeks of school. Frustrated for the unwillingness for this faculty to switch on any air condition in any rooms for students to have a comfortable place to do their projects or revision.

I like this feeling.

This feeling of pushing myself to the end. Feels like in the A levels. Every day is a non-stop action.

Despite having the fear that even when i am pushing hard, things might not turn out the way i would like it to be, or even become worse, i am enjoying this process.

My group mate said this to me -

"No matter what we will reach the end point, why then, don we just enjoy it all till it comes to the end?might as well right?"

Its not a pessimistic way of moving forward. But its a way, i realised, we make the world go round isn't it?

I have not been shortchanged by Him in anyway.

In a way, i am sorry.

Sorry for not trying harder back then.
Sorry for putting the blame on Him.
Sorry for all the things i said that hurt Him.

I'm sorry.

Thank YOU for allowing me to have the chance to say sorry.

On the hindsight of my thoughts:

Do i need to be okay to help others? Do i need to feel good to make other feel good
It doesn't work that way i supposed.

It's just a matter of willingness and how much you view giving up yourselves as compared to the gaining of others. There is no perfect balance. Only perceived balance. To what extend will you say yes?

2008-10-21T02:48:00.001+08:00

my personal favourite.

just cant stop listening to it.

2008-10-17T22:48:00.001+08:00

I wish i could sing well...

What would happen if i choose to go La Salle then instead of NUS?

It wasn't meant to be i guess.

2008-10-17T01:36:00.003+08:00

Strangely i feel the need to be detached from myself.

Strange.

Why am i always staying up so late for?

2008-10-12T22:43:00.002+08:00

As i was playing the guitar and looking through the small crowd of 50 odd, i thought about her.

I imagined her sitting there, just like the others.

I imagined her smiles, her way of singing the songs, her reactions to the questions posed upon by the speaker, her look in the eyes, her happiness of it being a Sunday, her saddness of not being at home, her relief at seeing me, her pain at her disability.

It all came flooding back to me while i was playing.

I couldn't help but tear.

I tried to hold back but the last straw came when i remembered her last words.

"I am not afraid of death, i just can't bear to leave you all."

I can't hold back anymore.

A voice inside me told me that its good that i am crying but the same old me refused to let the weaker side of me to be seen.

I diverted my thoughts away and carry on with is needed to be done, not wanting to be seen or heard.

It has been 1 and a half years, but it still bring back hurt and tears whenever i go back to Bethany again.

I still miss her alot.

I love you Grandma.

Always do.

2008-10-05T22:05:00.002+08:00

Attended a Singapore Symphony Orchestra concert yesterday night.

It wasn't really a very good one. To a certain extend i was pretty disappointed by the coldness of the music that was presented. Technically, it was perfect. But just like what my dear friend vivien said, it was like listening from the CD.

Stale and pale.

But it was also the concert and the music that i felt an urge to be on the stage again.

To feel the vibrations of the strings, through the wooden frame, driving into my blood stream. Flowing through me.
To feel the whole movement of the orchestra as one.
To be in one with the rest around you.

The pounding of the timpani.
The high pitch of the flute.
The plucking of the strings on the wood.
The banging of the gongs.
The beat on the skin of the drums.

Gosh i miss it all.

It was always in my dream to be performing at the highest level, on the stage, to feel the surge of life in the very music that i play, to be immersed in it and breathe it.

5 years are a long time by any standards.

I still savoured the 10minutes on stage. Where exhibit our sweat and soil for a whole year.

Who would believe that we can do it?

Would anyone be crazy enough to be just practicing merely 2 songs in a year in order to let the music and the humans be integrated as one?

I still remember i shed no tears on that final night. When everyone were finding hard to believe that it was the end. That the journey has come to a close.

I remembered my dearest section mates yanli and yingling telling me that perhaps 10years down the road we can come together again, to find back the feelings then.

I did not cry, not because i wasn't upset. But because i did not want to acknowledge that this was the end.

I acted strong when tears was draining through my heart the very moment the last note ended on the stage.

I had such a mentality.

Refusing to accept when it all come to a closure?

Still remember that Huang lao shi says that music at its very best, was to convert all the beats of notes, into strings of harmony, layering one another, filling the gaps of each other. The ultimate presentation of music, is to never let the audience have the feelings of "if only".

Amidst all the crap he said, i truly and firmly believed in this.

We did not win any more trophy that night.

We did, however, beaten ourselves.

To be in love with the very music we played. To be proud of the music we presented.

Closure was perhaps a form of release from resentment to me.

I did not have a closure back then and still do not have it now.

Because i never once felt that it was a burden to be playing and performing.

I was proud to be there when it happened. To be part of it.

Thank you all for making it happen with me.

It will never be closed.

It is always a sweet senerade singing in the slience of the night.

:)

2008-09-28T23:29:00.002+08:00

A part of me has been defeated.

The part that has been dragging me for these prolonged period of time telling me how much i deserved more and how much i should have had if only.

I am glad that i lost.

In a way that it has once again tell me that the road ahead will be tougher and it will be back to challenge me all over again, at another level, hurting another part of me.

I am glad i took the step to reconcile with the people and events in my life.

Just when i thought that this could be the end of me, i got a rude awakening that He is not going to let me just slip away.

I chuckled at my own foolishness. How many times has this happened?

Not once, twice or even thrice. It has done me harm so many times that i have already sort of starting to savour the challenge of facing it again.

Pastor said this on Saturday:

"Ready to Fail is something that is good"

I was shocked by the truth of it and the straightforwardness of it.

Yeah. I guess He might be preparing me for something i could never imagine.

I am starting to enjoy my night run with the wind blowing into my face. Though my back hurts and my heart is working like i was 18, i kinda enjoy this pain.

Because i know this pain is only temporary while the benefits that i will get out of it is for a long time to come.

Just as i sent my dear brother junyong off yesterday, a part of me still wonder (i confess that it was in a resentful way:p) why am i not the one to go 3 yrs back? Why did it slip past me? WHy is everyone else living the dream i wanted so much?

Then to my amazement. I answered my own question.

Because His plans are better then my plans. His will greater than mine.

If i were to go, i would never have been by grandma's side when she's gone.
If i were to go, i would never have experience failures in life so hard that i am broken inside
If i were to go, i would never have build relationships with the people around like i do now
If i were to go, i would never have know that NUS is not a good place to be in
If i were to go, i would never have know how difficult it is to have a long distance relationship
If i were to go, i would never have the chance to work in Alpha Camp
If i were to go, i would have still believe that i am always in control of my life.

Though i still want and hope to go overseas one day, i am glad that for now i am grounded here.

A big stone has been lifted from my heart.

Sometimes i wonder if technology harm us or help us?

Helping us to say things that we cant say face to face or giving us an easy way out to reach people at a distance?

Pick up the pieces and go Mr Jen.

The next round is just ahead.

*Thanx huiling and ruijie for all the concern:) my mouth is itching for my singing session:)

2008-09-25T01:34:00.002+08:00

This Time
Jonathan Rhys Meyers

Tonight the sky above
Reminds me how to love
Walking through wintertime, the stars all shine
The angel on the stairs
Will tell you I was there
Under the front porch light
On the mistery night

I’ve been sitting, watching life pass from the sidelines
Been waiting for a dream to seep in through my blinds
I wondered what might happen if I left this all behind
Would the wind be at my back
Could I get you off my mind
This time

The neon lights and bars
And headlights from the cars
Started a symphony surrounding me
The things I left behind
Have melted in my mind
And now there’s a purity inside of me

I’ve been sitting, watching life pass from the sidelines
Been waiting for a dream to seep in through my blinds
I wondered what might happen if I left this all behind
Would the wind be at my back
Could I get you off my mind
This time

I’ve been sitting, watching life pass from the sidelines
Been waiting for a dream to seep in through my blinds
I wondered what might happen if I left this all behind
Would the wind be at my back
Could I get you off my mind
This time

2008-09-21T00:36:00.003+08:00

Perhaps Siqi is right.

I am emptied and empty right now.

Dig from me what ever you want from me because i am already emptied.

You want love?
take it.

You want care?
take it.

You want sympathy?
take it.

Its all empty now.

Thoroughly emptied.

i'm sorry because i can't provide anymore than this.

2008-09-15T23:53:00.003+08:00

In the midst of all these, i realize what was i unhappy about.

Its all the "i only care for who i want to care and i only love who i want to love,for the rest? if i have time i will consider" attitude.

Maybe you can put it this way that i am probably the one on the receiving end most of the time (at least i felt so) that i felt so strongly about it right now.

Aren't we supposed to love the unlovable and care for those who are so call not worthy of care?

Perhaps i am really those most unlovable and Unworthy of care.

If man are selfish, i think i put my expectations too high to think that there is a difference in this place, when, but with the utmost right i that i have, it IS supposed to be different.

But i have been disappointed, time and time again.

I want to leave. But inside me i am finding reasons not to.

Till some point, when i find no more reasons for it, i will go. I don't think i will take very long for that.

"Do onto others what you want others to do onto you"

I did the first part, what i did not anticipate is that what you want others to do onto you is something that, in this scenario, is so difficult to be achieved.

I try to think when was the last time someone put an arm around me or gave me a pat on my back, sat with me and tell me that everything is going to be alright.

There isn't.

The last time was with grandma, and she was on the wheel chair.

I am not comparing anything here, but i just want to state that i am no saint. I feel pain too. But at this point in time, i felt my pain is more than just self inflicted.

I was trying so hard to care and hold onto those who are leaving, that i realize i understand fully why they left. It has got nothing to do with Him. Its the sense of loneliness you felt when you are in a group and you realize that all the more you hate this feeling.

For those who are trying to salvage things, really appreciate it very much. But i supposed its a little too late?

For those who don't understand a single thing i am say, then don't.

Its time to pack and go.

It time i become alittle bit more selfish, right?

*Thanx Esther, for making me feel that perhaps there is someone supporting me from behind. thanks for the little conversation:)

2008-08-20T00:35:00.002+08:00

I was startled by my mum's question last night when i was telling her about all the dinners i will be going this week for friends who are leaving for overseas schooling.

"Do you hate dad and me for not sending you overseas for studies?"

i wanted to cry. I was taken aback by the directness of the question.

i didn't realise how much i have hurt them for all this while.

"No i don't. I believe in God's plan"

That's all i could say.

Some times i hope i could be away from here. Some times i am thankful that i am sticking around. Its a mix feelings thing.

I do envied those who got the opportunity to venture abroad. But for now, i am happy where i am. At least for now.

Farewell friends. Take good care. I will continue to pray for you.

:)

2008-07-16T01:19:00.002+08:00

"i wanted to say sorry but sometimes sorry doesn't seems to matter anymore.

i could only stand and stare as you walk by, seemingly through my presence.

i chuckled, to my own amazement.

its laughable that you took it all so hard when a sorry could have release the bundle in your heart.

i began feeling sorry for you. not sorry to you.

Human, at its very peak, is perhaps just an ironic comedy."

An adaptation.

2008-07-02T01:37:00.002+08:00

I had a bad dream last night.

I cannot figure if it is a subconscious thought or just an induced dream.

I am scared. Really scared.

2008-06-27T02:18:00.004+08:00

The flat key of the piano tune illuminates the dark night.

Tranquility, at its very best, is the greatest distress.
Serenity, at its peak, is the self absorption.

As the mind searched for a different direction, it has passed way before.

In a different realm, the stars are oblivious.

Obscurity.

To contain yet not be immersed.

In an art of its own.

Farewell, first love, farewell.

2008-06-24T00:05:00.002+08:00

I think He works in a "i think its funny but its not" way.

Today i witnessed a perfect example of the result in the willingness to let go of issues and anger.

I have not seen this form of satisfaction from the party involved at all before.

It warmth my heart.

It was just yesterday that i told Him that if this is what He would like me to do, then help me to do it and He did.

If this is what they call as Coincidental, then perhaps my life itself is a coincidental coincidence.

All good things work for those who love Him.

*Sorry about it Zeyi. I hope things are better for you now.

2008-06-23T01:27:00.002+08:00

To feel the goodness of your body is one thing which i failed to appreciate all my life. When you are sick, you wish to get well. But when you are well, you have forgotten how it feels like to be sick and the whole cycles on.

Sometimes i just think out loud that we humans, aren't we more than that?More than just a man who looks into the mirror for a moment and walk away, and once again forget how he looks like? I have affirm that concept once again. What a pity.

Back to my trip.Cambodia did me some good i guess. It rekindles some memories of last year, reminds me of things which i once held so close but yet has failed to acknowledge and remember its usefulness and importance to me at that point in time.

Its kinda different this time round. It was a different village, different people, different job scope, different mindset. I went there, with a dreaded heart. Perhaps i was tired after the whole semester of rushing, not just for work, but even for this overseas commitment. I was worried about results, about family, about myself. There was nothing that touches me initially. Not the type of feel i had before. I admit that i was being selfish in my thinking, all i want was to get back the good feelings i felt on the trip the year before, to feel how it felt like then.

But all has change. Perhaps what Aslan said in the Narnia show did ring a bell.

"Same things don't happen the same way twice."

Even when the farm land remains the same, the roads were the same, the padi fields remain the same, the sky remain the same, all has already changed. Even when i sat at the same exact spot i sat the year before, its all different now.

Can anything ever remain constant? Never change for the slightest bit?

I thought i am a science and rational person. But i have to confess amidst my own denial that at the utmost level, nothing is absolutely constant.

His love and His grace changes according to what we perceive and what we expect, though in the level beyond us, it is indeed an infinite constant.

Tears flow while i sat there. Not of sadness nor of joy. But of a sense of guilt and anguish.

I did what we set out to do there, building toilets and wells, making new friends with the villagers. I was touched by their hospitality and their simple sense of contentment. I couldn't help but be amazed. Yet i know that this is where they belong. Where they find their love and their joy. Its something we can understand and appreciate but yet can't adopt into our own set of life. Because we are people in 2 different world. 2 different sets of standards. We are different but by no means superior. On what basis can we compare in any case?

Having said that, i am unable to resist defiant human nature. I compared. Not of material standards, but of their attitude, their desires, their hope.

Never once did i failed to see that they, as an individual, never live for themselves.

Be it for their son, their parents, their friends, their cows, their home. They lived for something beyond self.

They hold on to hope for tomorrow. Grasping it like a lifeline. Without hope, in their words, there is no tomorrow.

They face death not with fear nor with bravery. For they don't feel the need to. Embrace death, because its part of living, and enter it with satisfaction of what you have done and not what you haven't.

Do we in OUR world do that?
Harshly but sadly, we don't. Who do you live for today? You and i, shamefully, knows the answer.

Its all these realities which i encountered there that brings me back to life.

I am by no means a saint. I am a victim of egoistic, power loving, pride drunk, glory hungry nature too. To think of the least i could do as a victim is to acknowledge what i am falling over on. All these keep coming back to haunt me time and time again. Its not easy.

When was the last time i say sorry and meant it?
When was the last time i did not judge a person?
When was the last time i lost but was not in despair?

The only reason i can find to keep me going is the hope i held onto.

Not the hold i saw in the village.

Its the hope of being alive again after death.

Eternity.

I am struggling. But who isn't?

Know your role, do it, be responsible about it and hope.

Every single trials in life, is a reason to hold more firmly to the hope we professed.

Being stubborn and Perseverance is just a line of difference.

*i looked up and saw my grandma's smiling face in the picture right in front of me. She smiled. And i cried. How could i not realised that she has already enter the hope even when she was still around?Why do i still hold on to things that are long gone?

2008-06-18T01:24:00.001+08:00

why do all good things come to an end?

its gonna hurt when it heals too.

it will all get better in time.

~amidst the music therapy~

2008-06-11T21:36:00.001+08:00

i thought that changing to a rock music will change the mood of this blog by the slightest bit?

A redefined direction.

Till i get well before i blog again.

This flu and fever is getting its toll on it. On the hindsight, i enjoy this moment of weakness without the worries and anxiety.

2008-05-20T01:13:00.002+08:00

It times again i guess. To say goodbye.

Somehow i was thinking to myself on the train ride today that is i ever leave for good, would there be anyone feel the difference here?

Kinda ego thought i guess.

Then i understood the importance is not the void that you left in people's heart when you are gone, but its the hope that you bring to them that keeps them going on.

Anyone has got hope because of me?

i hope not. Cause i don't bring hope. Christ does. Thru me.

Till then.

Hope that this reminds you of something.

Goodbye Singapore.

2008-05-16T01:41:00.002+08:00

I am starting to understand the meaning behind the word waiting.

It does not represent patience nor does it portrait any form of sacrifice.

It is simply an act of willingness.

Choice of willingness.

This is deep.

Real Deep.

2008-05-14T00:39:00.002+08:00

This post is in special memory of my beloved friend and buddy, Mr Li Yihan Ivan.

No, don't be mistaken. He is not dead. He is still alive and kicking. This is to commemorate our friendship for the last 6 years. I have known Ivan since the good old days in AJ where we both slough hard together and pit against each other in almost everything. (for the sake of Ivan and the positive nature of this post, i shall admit that i lost to him all the time) We are part of the class call 1802 who are known to stay behind in LT after class and do nothing and always late for class. Nonetheless, Ivan has been a great companion through our my journey in AJ. He has been there through the times when i am stress, tired, happy and angry. Together with the rest of the guys (arty fl kk dian justino jntzh zh), we did alot of crazy and fun things in our class. It was really a great time then.

Though now me and ivan are in different majors, he still remains an integral part of my life. Waking up my ideas at times and meeting me the loner for lunches. thank you ivan. You have been and will always be a great friend!

On the sidenote, Ivan is currently single. He is not very short and is a sports man excelling in almost every sports that he plays.Not to mention he was the in the AJC volley ball team which beat TJC to win the gold medal back in A division days. He is a smart guy which is destined for a great career. He is caring and understanding and is very willing to listen to your troubles and worries. However, he has an anxiety problem when he picks up his phone when he is sleeping, which leads to him blabbering over the phone when it happen. Nonetheless, Ivan is a very eligible bachelor and i can guarantee that he is indeed a good guy.

Interested party please contact me.

2008-05-12T01:32:00.002+08:00

I received an sms from my mum on friday.

"谢谢你们的礼物，晚餐，今天很开心"

And she was just beside me. I looked at her. How she has aged. I am glad that she did enjoy herself at the dinner we had planned for her and the present we bought for her.

Happy Mother's Day Mum.

I could see her smiling face. What else do you asked for as a son, other than to see that your mum appreciate what you have done for her and watch her smiling away?

Had another meal today with my 2nd mum. My Aunt.

She was the one who took care of us.Yes, all my brothers and my cousin were under her care when we were young. She is the lady who brought 8 kids out and manage to control them singlehandedly, be it in public transport, be it in shopping mall, or even in toilets. I really appreciate her. Appreciate her for giving me the childhood i have. When i look at her more carefully today across the table, she has aged too. But i know that she is happy, not just for her children, my cousins, but also for us, for me. She told me she hasn't went out with us for a long time, to even have a meal. I acknowledge that and am guilty of that. It reminds me of the times when she brought me to school. On my first day in primary school, she came during recess to bring food for me. I was scared, really scared because i know no one then.But i will never forget the feeling of seeing her at the canteen waiting for me be it rain or shine with a umbrella and a Tupperware filled of bread. She did that for 2 years.

Happy Mother's Day Aunt

The 3rd woman who has shaped me - my grandma.

The fact that she is long gone has sink into me. I have accepted the fact and no longer dwell in the past for what i could have or what i could not have done for her. I choose to hold on to the memories of her smiles. And i thank her for being my grandma, for being who she was, for loving me.

Happy Mother's Day Grandma.

Now that i look at it. I sort of understand that in life, you are always affecting people around you or being affected by them all the time. The truth is, whatever we do, we can never say that this is my life and my life only.

Its not just about you alone.It was never that case.

At times, you would ask for more. Not being contented with just what you have and wanting a better one.

Better is not always suitable.

If it comes, it comes. If not, just be thankful at least you have something in the first place.

But i guess human nature tends to set in the way that only when you lose it, then you realise you had it.

Agony.

2008-04-17T13:19:00.002+08:00

I looked around and found that life has passed me by.

It was ME who has stopped.

2008-03-31T01:33:00.003+08:00

my heart ache when i see tears in mum's eyes. she told me she cant handle it anymore.

i felt like a hypocrite putting my arms around her and comforting her when i am one of the culprit.

God, you know how much my heart hurts. you know how painful i feel. you know how lonely i feel. you know how uncared for i feel. you know how stressful i feel. you know how confused i am. you know everything. why did you take it all away from me what you have given me? If this is the way you want it, then God, help me to pull through. i do not know how much longer i can hold on. its so easy to give me all up and say i surrender. you know how i think. you know the times when i caved in to the pressure. you know the times when ending my own life cross my mind. you know the time i live like a double face man. you know the times i love and care in expecting the same in return. you know the times when i am disappointed when no one cares, when on one asked. you know the times i wanted to go away and never come back to this place. you know it all father. would you let me lie in your arms and cry out to you? my tears are dried. i do not know happiness anymore. do i have friends? Father you know it all. if one day i were to fall, let me fall in your grace lord. not from your grace. let me know that riches are piled in heaven and not n earth. let me understand that man's praise and acknowledgment are of no significance as compared to you acceptance. let me have the hope that the day when i leave this place, i will be with you. let me love the unlovable. embrace the unforgivable. let me remain faithful in you. i fear. i fear greatly lord. would you still love me?embrace me?care for me?when the world fail to understand me would you understand?father, hold me. Because i can't carry on on my own anymore. i really can't. do not forsake me. please. that is all that i ask for.

2008-03-28T00:11:00.002+08:00

Total reliance on Him is what i am and i have to be now.

It can be painful at times because when i looked back, i always thought i could but now that i cant.

Its a far cry.

For His glory only is what i need to seek.

Pain, it seems to be, a way of reminding me that i am still breathing.

2008-03-23T01:06:00.002+08:00

Somehow, i felt abandoned.

I was, I am but now, i am not.

It feels like as if anyone cares about my rant.

Brought tears.

Tears of awakening.

Can someone help?

2008-03-06T13:38:00.002+08:00

A story inspired by a close friend who has, at last found back her passion in life..

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Do you choose to go or do you choose to stay?

A question that many of us ask ourselves, perhaps not literally everyday, but every moment when we could not decide on the outcome of a situation.

A girl looked out of the trapezium-shaped glass of the little family sedan.

The huge bus beside her left a lasting impression.

It was gigantic. Much more longer, taller and wider. And there are so many people in it.

"It so interesting to have so many different friends from different places sitting in the bus together! Much better than me along with Dad here."

The thought of leaving the place of responsibility to a places of fun flashed in her mind.

The bus, though moved slower, carried in it a strong attraction to the little girl.

"Daddy, can you drop me off in the bus stop in front and let me take the bus home? It looks more fun than sitting here with you"

The words came so fast and so strong.

He expected it right from the start. He knew that the day where she wanted to try isn't that far. And right now, it has arrived.

Though it pierced him deep inside, he choose to let her go. Without doing so, she will never have understood it.

"Sure, do you have money with you?"

"No. Can i get some from you?"

"Here you go"

The door open and she ran towards the bus stopped behind.

He left.

She approached the big machine with a strong sense of happiness and hope.

Smiled beautifully at the bus driver.

But she was taken aback by his non-nonchalantness.

"Probably he didn't see me"

Turned her eyes to the back. Indeed, there were alot of people from different walk of life.

Students. Housewives. Working adults. Uncles. Babies.

Fascinated. She strolled through the crowd, looking at them one by one. Hope to struck a conversation with them, or even a wink or a smile.

None of it happened.

She tried to find a seat, but there was none too.

"Why isn't anyone talking to anyone?Why is everyone a stranger?"

It took her only 2 stops to realize that this is not the beautiful picture she has painted in her mind. It was all too different, too much for her to swallow.

She hurried down the bus, onto another foreign land. Not knowing where she was, not having any more money with her. Not knowing where to go from here.

A familiar sight appeared.

He was there. Right behind the leaving bus. He was there all along, beside her.

She smiled again.

She understood why he let her go.

To be loved and yet not be understood is the greatest pain of all.

How stops do we want to miss before we decide get off?

To leave or to stay?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2008-03-01T02:36:00.002+08:00

One of my buddy got a call today. A call he wont never want to pick up.

No. Not that anyone has passed away nor something really bad happened.

But by the standards of education in Singapore, its bad enough to render the call as unwanted.

He got a call regarding a poorly done exam paper which requires him to sorta retake the paper again.

Having seen him studying so hard for the past week and the joy when he finished the exams and till today when he received the call.

A drastic emotional ride.

He felt angry, disappointed and more importantly, fear.

Well, i am not going to comment on the education system we have here. We are all entitled to our views and opinions. Neither am i going to compare his misery with the anxiety that alot of us is feeling now with a wanted man on the escaping from a world class security system.

Nope, i am not mocking.

But what i see on him today, the sense of unbelief, the slap in his passion for education, the reluctance acceptance of truth. It was a reflection of me a year back.

It was only at this little moment, that i start to understand.

Probably all that i have gone through (not as dramatic as it seems), is meant for today. Meant for me to understand, to comfort, to feel as he feels.

Perhaps you might say i am being too sensitive. Well, i agree.

You might say i am finding a small spot to pick on. I agree.

But even if all the coincidence that it seems to be, you have to agree with me that what i went through probably did me and him good today.

Little wonders of the world, starts from within our perceptions.

Yes within, not with.

2008-02-26T01:16:00.002+08:00

I heard this from a fellow classmate on a course..

"The best way to move on from a major setback, is to have a good attitude" he said.

"All of us have some set back in our lives before, be it a big one or a minor one. But the difference between those who moved on and those who don't, is their attitude to the future, to their goals."

It struck me hard into my heart.

He was talking about me. I am the different one. The one who choose not to change his attitude despite all that happen.

I turned and looked to the sky.

How different it is now than the night before.

Its all in the mind. In the attitude.

I woke up at that instant.

Good attitude.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She returned home.

A parcel was waiting for her. Right on her old wooden table.

She has already calm down from the previous drained emotions. In fact, she starts to feel angry, for him not showing himself to her.

"Not again?" she mumbled.

Slowly, she pry open the small little box.

Photos and more photos of her...but this time, its slightly different..

All of them have him in it. Be it in the background or a class photo.

As she flipped through the photos, a note dropped.

The rain was pouring down.

The wind was blowing like a furious night breeze rattling the windows.

Picking it up, she recognised the handwriting.

"I love you too much, that i am more than willing to let you go. Its when u find your love that we are both complete, because i have already found mine in you.

Like the photos, i don't mind being just a background in your life. As long as i was a small part of it, its sufficient.

Thank you for allowing me to love you. i always do."

Tears flow once again.

She felt toyed with. Being controlled in her emotions.

But she didn't blamed him for doing that. She felt happy instead.

For she was so important to someone. Something she never have thought of nor felt of.

For the moment, she fell in love with him.

Just for that moment, it was enough.

What more would you ask for?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Perfect Surprise

2008-02-15T02:33:00.003+08:00

My friend is heartbroken. Not because he was rejected by the girl he loves, but he was not accepted.

They love each other but yet cant be together.

We talked about it. And i asked him if he would ever want to be with her, again?

He says yes. He says he would do anything to get her to his side.

I told him this story:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man loves a girl he knew but for a long time he could only watch her from a distant.He was satisfied to just watch her smile. He loves her not because she is pretty, not because she is kind, but because of who she is and who she was.

One day, a friend told him that he should pluck the courage to tell the girl, before he regrets it.

"At least you tried!" he said

So the man decided to surprise her for his confession.

He chose a date. Not a special occasion, not valentine, not her birthday, nor the date that they first met. It was just a normal day.

He managed to ask his friends to ask her out to a park near her house. Saying that it was a class gathering.

She agreed.

It was evening time, sun was down.

She walked alone in the park. To the open space. There was no one there.
The lamps were dim. Always non-existence. It was getting dark.

She waited.

A little boy came to her.

"Sister, this is for you"

She took a small box from his hand before he ran out of sight.

Opening it, she found a nicely made cardboard book.

It was hand-made. Not the nicest colour of all, but exquisite.

She flipped the first page. She was the photo of her crying while she won her first ever gold medal. Followed by a photo of her laughing during her best friend's wedding.

There were so many photos in it. Some she couldn't even remember when it happened. IT brought back memories, memories that bring pain, as well as smiles from past 20 odd years.

Somehow, there seems to be a tinge of piano sound playing in the background. That brought tears to her eyes.

"Who capture all these?" she thought

She search frantically for a name, a face in the photo, or even a familiar handwriting.

There was none. All was about her. She alone

Then she found an envelope. A card and a necklace.

A very familiar necklace.

One she fell in love with 6 years back while still in her teens.

"Who still remembers it?" a thought murmured in her mind

Turning the card, tears rolled.

'Hope you like it. This is meant to be a surprise for you. I still don't have the courage to face you to tell you this all these years. But, I love you. I don't know when it started but i just love you. I know you might not even notice me in your life at all, but its alright. I am not asking you to accept my love.

I just want to make you feel special because you are special to me.

There is no need for you to give me any form of reply for all these. I am doing all these because i don't want to lie to myself anymore. I just want you to be happy.

Even if it means to watch you smile at a distant, it is already good enough for me.

Love you,

xx'

She didn't realise all these years, someone actually love her so deeply.

Then the lights came on. Not the lamps, but small little dim christmas tree lights lit up on the trees in front of her.

"Only when you are happy, then its all worth it"

The evening wind blew into her face, drawing tears down her cheeks.

She turn and look, trying to find him.

He was no where to be seem.

"That's good enough"

He said to himself as he watch her leave from a distant.

He already know the outcome of this.

He has already cross the line of love.

He doesn't need recognition nor acceptance for his love.

All he wants is just her smile.

That's good enough.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My friend look at me in the eye and told me that no one in this world, in his right mind, would be able to live happily seeing the person he loves lie in the arms of another guy. Nor is he able to love someone from a distance.

Its all too idealistic. No one can love unconditionally, he said.

I did not deny it nor did i agree with him.

Sometimes, when love becomes a form of possession or requires a form of recognition, the line blurred.

Responsibility love.

I realised that only when you can love someone enough to let he or she go, then you can love her totally and unconditionally.

Not saying that you are willing to do irrational things for he or she, but to love without 'terms and condition applied'

In any case, this is just my little humble opinion.

Being irrational in loving is being rational in love.

2008-02-07T00:11:00.000+08:00

Happy Chinese New Year!

Well i guess they did say when u dwell too long into things you wont enjoy the best of the moment...

i tink its true afterall..

its almost 1 year already and i find it hard to swallow that she is not around anymore.

there will not be anymore dinner with her. No more of her cooking. No more of her caring. No more of her laughter. No more of her prayers. No more of her.

I don wish to indulge in self pity or try to attract some form attention.

The truth is i miss her and i still think i owe it to her alot of things which i say to do but i did not. I regret it.Deeply regret it.

But yet, she is not the excuse for the mess my life is in right now. She is not the least responsible because it was my own stubborness and irresponsiblilty that landed me in what i am now.

At times i resent God. I am angry for what has happened. I am pissed with the idea of giving me everything and taking everything away.

Take away my honour, my glory, my happiness, my joy, my confidence, m pride, myself.

But i still believe. All these is not for nothing.
I believe, and i really do, that when things happened, it happened for my good.
Perhaps my eyes aren't that wide now, nor my ability to envisage that deep.
But i truely believe that if the day ever come where i leave this place, i need to be responsible for whatever i have done whatever decisions i have made.
And i don want to face her telling her i am sorry.
I want to tell her i did her proud.

I am trying to look forward.
Yes look forward.

Its not that hard nor that far when u are willing to walk with Him.

The key is are u willing.

2008-01-30T23:59:00.001+08:00

Mr Jen's new perspective:

Live with Hope
Hold firmly onto the Faith
Giving Unconditional Love
Stay Focus

Even if it hurts and pain inside, its for a cause that is greater than beyond on this.

Thanks to my dear buddy fanglong for reminding me:

"All these will passed...its for a greater thing...faith is believing without seeing"

Thank you.

2008-01-24T01:29:00.000+08:00

Mr Jen is thinking of doing something out of the line again..

another lone trip?
another adventure?
another tale to tell?

hang on...

2008-01-18T12:00:00.000+08:00

sometimes its not the way u thought it is..

2008-01-18T11:49:00.001+08:00

I tink i forget how it feels like to be a birthday boy.

how does it feel like?

2008-01-02T08:15:00.001+08:00

I hope it all ends here.

A new start.

Finally 2007 is over.

Keep walking Mr Jen.

2007-12-19T00:43:00.000+08:00

Alpha Camp 2007 came and go in a blink.

i guess i do miss serving with my comm now that i look back...

really thankful for them and hope that they learnt something thru the 6 months of preparation as well...

was glad that my dear fren shiqi was there:)

well then..it has come to a close..

sorta back to reality again i guess?

needa sort out myself..sometimes some things jus wont go away...

argh...

Merry Christmas people..

And a Happy New Year..

this blog is going to be quiet for some time to come...

till then....

Mr Jen needs to figure out his life...

2007-12-01T00:55:00.001+08:00

At this present moment, i feel so stressful that no amount of M&M can curb my fears.

A friend told me yesterday that he failed his exams. He has been preparing for it for a year.

But because of the busy schedule he has, doing part time study, he have not much time for revision.

Worse, he picked the wrong topics to study because of the lack of time.

then he tell me this:

"Its good that i failed. Because it gives me a wake up call. Its not the environment that is giving me all the problems, but myself.There are times i feel that the environment is not doing me goo, but think again, if i have change my attitude, cherish my time, put in more effort, take things into stride, things will be different isn't it?Well, sometimes it difficult to put into practice, but to go through all these painful process and grow, its God's plan afterall. Bad in our opinion, but who knows?Isn't it tht you went through things that you know the reason behind?"

sounds familiar?

i think so.

its just hard to go thru the painful times isn't it?

no one seems to understand, not even your closest friends, your love ones, yourself.

only God understand.

All He is telling me.

Trust. Faith. Grace.

For He is God, who else knows better than Him?

i can cry. i can complain. i can be frustrated. i can be angry. i can feel hurt. i can hide.

i can feel tired.

but i cannot give up.

because i choose not to give up.

2007-11-27T02:19:00.000+08:00

he wanted so much to give up on his old books and just carry his new ones.

for he noe what is important is he knows and rememeber what lies beyond those old books.

the physical presence of thebooks isn't much important is it?

yet everytime he dropped one old book aside, he find reason to pick it up again.

feelings for it. too new to be thrown. haven understand it completely. its memorable.

what other excuses can he find?

time and time again it went on and it starts to get heavier.

Everytime he stand up from a fall, he fell again.

how much longer will this go on?

....................................................................................................

Happy Birthday Mr Jen.

its the first birthday Mr Jen have knowing that she is gone forever. No longer there.

does it matter anymore?

2007-11-26T01:24:00.000+08:00

There is this boy.

he has a bag of books which he cherish alot since young.

as he was walking one day, with he bag behind him, he realise that some of the books started dropping out because it was too full.

at the same time, he passed by a shop which sells new books,books which will enable him to reach another level of knowledge and growth.

knowing that his bag was full and he cant put anymore books into it, yet he needs to get those new books else he will ont progress.

there is only so much he can hold, he could carry.

so he decided to keep those old books in his bag while at the same time try his best to hold the new with his hand.

with that he walked on his way.

then he realised that with all the load he was holding, he could not see the road ahead.

the pile of new books was too high for him to look ahead while the bag of old books is taking toll on his slowly weary body.

finally, he acknowledge that he has to give in to either one. the old books or the new ones.

some thing he cherish so much with memories and something he need to progress on.

what is it that he has to do?

which way to go?

2007-11-25T01:15:00.000+08:00

i am super pissed off now.

Just what i need everytime i try to stand up i get right smack in the face.

WHY?????????

2007-11-10T22:51:00.000+08:00

背叛

雨不停落下来
花怎么都不开
尽管我细心灌溉
你说不爱就不爱
我一个人
欣赏悲哀

爱只剩下无奈
我一直不愿再去猜
钢琴上黑键之间永远都夹着空白
缺了一块就不精采

心有一句感慨
我还能够跟谁对白
在你关上门之前替我再回头看看
那些片段还在不在

紧紧相依的心如何 say goodbye
你比我清楚还要我说明白
爱太深会让人疯狂的勇敢
我用背叛自己完成你的期盼
把手放开不问一句 say goodbye
当作最后一次对你的溺爱
冷冷清清淡淡今后都不管
只要你能愉快

When i read through the words, somehow i realise that its true to a certain extent when one is so deep into a relationship or even worse, in a one sided admiration, you will be braver than you ever thought, and you will do things that you never believe you will.

Just for the other person at the receiving end.

Regardless of whether he or she knows it at all.

Love.

Is such a powerful word. Such a powerful tool.

Bring tears to my eyes..

Click here : http://youtube.com/watch?v=xHZ7leE_mQ8

2007-10-29T01:34:00.001+08:00

Keep walking Mr Jen, Keep walking.

For the Day will come where the end has been reached.
For you were tired, but you have fulfilled it.
Not because you were asked to, but because you want to.
Not because you were controlled to, but because you were free to.

Keep walking.

For the strength to carry on isn't one from within.
Haven't you heard it?
Haven you have enough of your own voices swirling in your head?
Quiet.Listen.Think.Ask.Question.Seek.Listen.
For the answers were always there but you weren't listening.
Tryin to hard to think what is needed to be done but doing otherwise.
How many chances is going to go by till you realise?
That Quiet. Is the answer to all answers.
Listen.

Keep Walking.

None is lost. And all has been answered.
For now.
Thank you.

Keep Walking, Mr Jen, Keep Walking.

For the end of this journey starts the other.
Like the start of this path leads from the end of the other.

~ Poem, Mr Jen walking through, thinking.

2007-10-18T02:57:00.000+08:00

I am hooked to listening to TANK's song

非你莫属

In my little mind, i thought this song could melt a girl's heart.

Well, it depends on how the guy present it.

I think i have thought of a perfect plan.

But well its just dreaming.

Zzzzzz

2007-10-16T02:36:00.000+08:00

Dz send me a sms jus now...i was talking to him about how upset i was on sunday over certain issues...his message i guess was a reply not from him..but Him..

Turn your eyes upon Him.

I dunno about you who is reading this right now. Perhaps you are like me..feel discourage at issues which u felt shouldn't have been this way...unhappy about things that has turn out...but yet..when you turn your eyes upon Him..you know what matters is how He sees you in His eyes.

Does the rest matter anymore then?

If you haven know who is God and is reading this, feeling nostalgia about life..irritated with the daily pursuit of honours that come to null at the end of the day..you might like to say this prayer i did when i felt lost...

Dear Father,

I pray to you that you show me your way. Show me your light. Remove my tears. Comfort me. For what i am chasing i do not know, what i am i do not understand, but God, fill me with your love that no one else can. That's all i ask for.

Amen.

i hope it helps you.
If u don believe it at all its ok.
One day when u need it, God is always here for you...

2007-10-15T02:00:00.001+08:00

The feeling of food poisoning is really sickening...bed bound...rushed to the toilet..vomit...cant slp at night...its jus killing me...

All these are pilling up...more to come i guess?

2007-09-20T12:07:00.001+08:00

whenever i listen to the song playing on this blog now..sang by my friend Paul..Written by Aaron..it reminds me of the days where we were just some playful kids jamming around in Jeff's studio..playing for a dream..singing for a passion...

till now..how many years gone by?

6?
7?
8?

it just went by like this...

like the song..

there are times my weathered soul cries
seeking for the wings to fly
up into the clear blue sky
hoping i can see your light

like tears falling from my eyes
sadness shall be driven away
and in your words i shall find
all the peace and joy in due time

how many times we have cried?we have failed to see the light?

well..i hope we can come back together again..though some things would jus remain as memories

while some memories seems to be a distant thought that was created in reply to a constant dream that was formed in the mind..Perhaps it has never occurred at all..but it is still a memory to hold..

For you guys,

Paul,Victor,Daozhi,Zhiyang,Jeff,Liting

our memories hold on...

2007-09-17T01:14:00.000+08:00

Mr Jen is in a confused state now.

Confused about what?

Mr Jen don't exactly know.

About directions in life?about relationships?about family?about schoolwork?about friends?about others?

He has no slightest idea about it.

To speak the truth, Mr Jen find it hard to be living in a state and know that his life should be on another state.

Like an addict, he find is hard to control at times about life.

Knowing its wrong and its hurting people around, yet he find it difficult to resist the draws of it.

What is life when you don surrender all?
What is life when you don let go?
What is life when you don know Him?
What is life when you are down?
What is life when you fallen?
What is life when you doubt?
What is life when you are wrong?
What is life when you cant draw away?

Mr Jen is learning all these.

Questions popping in in mind here and there.

Well, this is not an emo entry.

More of thoughts. More thoughts.

Letting go and surrender is definitely hard.

We'll strive. We'll cry. We'll drive on.

For my friends out there sloughing hard in school, doing tutorials in library, meeting deadlines in office, studying hard for exams, relaxing at home, surfing blogs for fun and reading this:

Don't worry. You are never alone.

Praying for you guys always.

Faith as a pea is enough:)

2007-09-01T01:02:00.001+08:00

Well..i tink its different nowadays..

After so much that has happened..i have truly understood and envisage the meaning of faith..

It isn't everyday that you met with accidents...that you fell awkwardly..that you landed yourself on crutches...that you miss a whole week of lesson..that you wanted so much to get things right but then it feels that u are getting everything wrong...that it isn't truly your way that things has occurred..

but yet...

i wasn't reacting the way i reacted if it was a few months back...

Some would say maybe i am tired of reacting..or i am just letting off steam in another manner..

i learnt to let go.

Let go of what wasn't mine to say in the first place.

No doubt i felt pissed when things happen but i supposed i have grown up.

Move on, Trust, Know that His plans is yet still the best for you.

Maybe when you are reading this you might feel that Mr Jen is just procrastinating, shifting his form out output, having no other source of reasoning thats why he will say He trust in God.

For those who know Mr Jen truly, he has changed isn't it?(not just physically of course!)

From then to now, he has gone thru the period of full of zest and energy to work hard for everything..to the one who indulge in self pity and unconscious of life that he blame everything except himself for what ever wrong, to the one who is so emotional time and time again..to who he is now.

Yea i have changed, time and time again. Not that i have make the conscientious effort to but more of i allow what happened to change me. I did not think. I let emotions flood me, i let guilt hold on to me, i let disappointment become an forever excuse not to wake up again, i let my life be a form of statement which effective has no statement at all.And now.

Not that i been through alot. But 2007 has till now been a year more eventful than the past 21 yrs of my life.

I am not being strong or being mature to say all these. But i am being truthful to say God is the one who is the one holding me till now.

Well you might brush it off as i am just being a religious freak or trying too hard to be holy.

You hold your opinions and i respect that.

But i am jus here to tell you that there is a God who loves u and me whether u believe Him or not. He is just waiting for you to know Him. I did.

I ain't preaching. I am just tell the truth.

Believe it or not is up to you:)

2007-08-19T00:21:00.000+08:00

Ivan told me that day that he felt that i have changed.

I was sighing.Telling him that IF only i bidded my module with more points i could have get it at the previous round and i don need to wait and wait to bid again.

Ivan says the old jianen from AJC never says IF ONLY.

I guess he was trying to tell me the old jianen was much more spirited, less emo, always persevere and determine in what ever he does.

Is that what they call DRIVE?

I tink i did change.

What Ivan says was right. I needa wake up and start doing what i should and i need to do.

But about shutting down my blog?..erm...sorry pal..if i shut down Mr Jen, you wouldn't much other emo blog to read:)

Well..If only i never started :p

2007-08-11T22:18:00.000+08:00

Someday i wish i could just go away from here. Where no one knows me and i can start again.

Will that day ever come?

I want to be hidden where i can bring no more shame to the people around me.

Where can i hide?

Where can i run?

I cant even slp in peace nowadays.

Is there more to come?If yes, i pray that i can and will be able to endure through.

I hope.

2007-08-01T01:10:00.000+08:00

Its funny how He works. He allow some to be taken away while some to be given. He allow some to be done while some to be unfinished. He allow some to be successful while some to fail miserably.

I realised and understand it all now.

Its all His to plan and give. Not mine.

So hard to do yet so true.

Open mind ivan says. Well open is relative too isn't it?:)

2007-07-31T11:50:00.000+08:00

Somethings some times jus come at the wrong timing.

I wish i could have the best of both world but i know its thoroughly impossible.

Well i would just treat it as the tingy thoughts that will just remain in my mind. Its kinda of hard when u could think about it the whole day and then realise that you cannot do anything at all. It all remain as a thought.

Its not all so bad. Like what they say the grass on the other side is always greener.

But not all the time greener means better.

Self consolation?

More of self persuasion:(

2007-07-26T11:42:00.000+08:00

Well as Mr Brown says....Know your enemy first before you take action....

Click Here: Mr Brown

2007-07-24T15:03:00.000+08:00

Change the lay out...wanted to let ppl see the photos of the kids...ha..kinda miss them..well..

2007-07-17T00:32:00.000+08:00

Did u ever felt that?

When u hear a song, listen to some music, some words, some lyrics, some tone, some melody jus seems to touch you, or trigger your mind, set off some thoughts, make you think. Be it you are walking, in the train, going to work, at the office, lying on your bed, driving in the car. All seems to stop.

And you, yea you, are in your own world for that moment. You think to yourself. All the noise around you seems to disappear and every thoughts u had seems to fade into the background that you are focusin on just ONE thought.

Then you snapped back. Tell yourself tat you are back to your life again. And the thought left your mind.

Have you felt that?

Does that happen often?

Is it the same thought?or jus some random thinking?

For the moment of being in my own world, I realise what is silence.

Maybe i should find some time to give that thought some thoughts.

Maybe its time to put thinking into actions.

I'll try. Will you?

2007-07-11T23:43:00.000+08:00

It has been 3 months since she is gone...i still miss walking along with her...

2007-07-07T00:49:00.000+08:00

As much as i do not want to do certain things, i still did it.
As much as i would like to change, i failed.
As much as i try not to be affected, i am affected.
As much as i avoided the fact, i have to face it.

As i told rj the other day, finding rationale in irrationale.

i guess i am being irrationale in rationale.

good grieve.

2007-06-23T01:08:00.000+08:00

Dear Ah ma,

It has been 2 months since you left. I miss you alot. I know you are in a better place now, in Him where you don feel pain anymore. Everytime i passed by Bethany, i miss you. Everytime i saw pictures of you, i cry. But i know you woundn't want me to. You want me to be strong, to do well in my studies, to make you proud, to bring the smile to your face, to be a good grandson. I will be don't worry Ah ma, i will be.

I miss you Ah ma. I miss your smile. I miss your complaints,. I miss visiting you. I miss doing physio with you. I miss walking you at night. I miss kissing you goodnight every night. I miss praying with you. I miss your cooking. I miss eating with just you ,me and bros. I miss your apple juice. I miss your mass spread of food whenever we go over to your house. I miss your stories about life. I miss you touch. I miss your naggings. I miss talking to you. I miss your laughter. I miss bringing you home. I miss telling you everything will be alright. I miss sharing joy with you. I miss crying on your lap. I miss you telling me to go home early for dinner. I miss your call. I miss you scolding. I miss everything about you. I just miss you so much. As much as i try telling myself to move on i still miss you alot Ah ma. Cambodia is a nice place Ah ma. God has taught me that you have to leave for a better place, a place meant for you. We will meet again i know. And i know when we do i will see your smiling face. I will see your arms stretching for me like when i was young when u catch me. I know it will all be fine Ah ma.

Though i know its in His plans for what has happen..i still want to say sorry to you Ah ma. Sorry for all the unfulfilled promise. For not able bring you back to your house. For not able to help you walk. For not able to bring you to chinese doc. For not able to bring you to hospital when you are unwell. For not able to walk you to cousin wedding. Sorry Ah ma. I know i promise you we will walk there together but i didn't fulfil it. I am really sorry. I wish i could. I really wish i could. I will exchange anything for just to walk you to the church to see him get married. I know you wanted very much to see him walking down the church alley, i am sorry Ah ma. i really wish i could. But at least i know you are standin with God now looking from above on cousin's wedding day. sorry.

I still cry when i tink about you. You wouldn't want me to. Don worry i will be ok. I will study hard. I will be filial. I will be a good boy. Thank you for the 21 years that you have been with me Ah ma. Thank you for teaching me to love. Teaching to see things from another perspective. I know you have move on from your anger and hatred to forgiveness and care. Thank you for loving me as you always did. And i will love those around me like you did. Thank you for teaching me to cherish those around me. Thank you for being my grandma. Thank you for everything. I love you always Ah ma. Thank you for giving me the chance to take care of you. You are the greatest grandma.

No matter how i hate to say it again. But i know i have to let you go. You want me to let you go too. You and i know it is not easy but we have to. I hate to say this. I really hate to.

Goodbye Ah ma. Goodbye grandma.

I love you always.

Even in tears, it is tears of happiness whenever i see your face.

Thank you for everything.

Goodbye Ma.

Goodbye.

Love always,
En

2007-06-13T18:52:00.000+08:00

22nd May 2007

I din know i can cook! By God's grace i did:).

Was the welfare group today doing the cooking,washing and cleaning. i guess it was a humble experience for me. To do things i've never done and learning to learn at all times.

The market where we bought the veggie..meat...and eggs.....and more eggs...

The kitchen...cooking...

The kids still amaze me all the time with their joy. Saw the well-digging process and how the old guy who was so experience but still lost a finger to the job. Like Zhiyuan say, even the expert makes mistakes.

I start to love this freedom.We are the same as the villagers, chasing similar goals with different aspect and process only.

The most beautiful kid..Rina..she's 12 u believe?