...Thoughts...

Monday, October 27, 2008

` 5:27 PM

I am sitting alone in a dark isolated corner in the Faculty of Engineering in NUS.

Sky is turning dark, rain are falling down and the winding howling straight into my face in this Monday afternoon.

For the first time, i savour this moment of madness in this school.

Yes, for the very first time, i appreciate this school.

The tranquility it gave me to be focused on what needs to be done.

Though i am disgusted by the number of people occupying the benches in this faculty despite being a public holiday. Horrified for the fact that i can't find a seat to eat at Macs when it is so crowded with fellow 'engineers' on this day. Disturbed by the reality that i am not alone in this school in today and everyone and anyone is pushing as hard as me in the last 3 weeks of school. Frustrated for the unwillingness for this faculty to switch on any air condition in any rooms for students to have a comfortable place to do their projects or revision.

I like this feeling.

This feeling of pushing myself to the end. Feels like in the A levels. Every day is a non-stop action.

Despite having the fear that even when i am pushing hard, things might not turn out the way i would like it to be, or even become worse, i am enjoying this process.

My group mate said this to me -

"No matter what we will reach the end point, why then, don we just enjoy it all till it comes to the end?might as well right?"

Its not a pessimistic way of moving forward. But its a way, i realised, we make the world go round isn't it?

I have not been shortchanged by Him in anyway.

In a way, i am sorry.

Sorry for not trying harder back then.
Sorry for putting the blame on Him.
Sorry for all the things i said that hurt Him.

I'm sorry.

Thank YOU for allowing me to have the chance to say sorry.

On the hindsight of my thoughts:

Do i need to be okay to help others? Do i need to feel good to make other feel good
It doesn't work that way i supposed.

It's just a matter of willingness and how much you view giving up yourselves as compared to the gaining of others. There is no perfect balance. Only perceived balance. To what extend will you say yes?

~Mr Jen has spoken.