...Thoughts...

Sunday, October 05, 2008

` 10:05 PM

Attended a Singapore Symphony Orchestra concert yesterday night.

It wasn't really a very good one. To a certain extend i was pretty disappointed by the coldness of the music that was presented. Technically, it was perfect. But just like what my dear friend vivien said, it was like listening from the CD.

Stale and pale.

But it was also the concert and the music that i felt an urge to be on the stage again.

To feel the vibrations of the strings, through the wooden frame, driving into my blood stream. Flowing through me.
To feel the whole movement of the orchestra as one.
To be in one with the rest around you.

The pounding of the timpani.
The high pitch of the flute.
The plucking of the strings on the wood.
The banging of the gongs.
The beat on the skin of the drums.

Gosh i miss it all.

It was always in my dream to be performing at the highest level, on the stage, to feel the surge of life in the very music that i play, to be immersed in it and breathe it.

5 years are a long time by any standards.

I still savoured the 10minutes on stage. Where exhibit our sweat and soil for a whole year.

Who would believe that we can do it?

Would anyone be crazy enough to be just practicing merely 2 songs in a year in order to let the music and the humans be integrated as one?

I still remember i shed no tears on that final night. When everyone were finding hard to believe that it was the end. That the journey has come to a close.

I remembered my dearest section mates yanli and yingling telling me that perhaps 10years down the road we can come together again, to find back the feelings then.

I did not cry, not because i wasn't upset. But because i did not want to acknowledge that this was the end.

I acted strong when tears was draining through my heart the very moment the last note ended on the stage.

I had such a mentality.

Refusing to accept when it all come to a closure?

Still remember that Huang lao shi says that music at its very best, was to convert all the beats of notes, into strings of harmony, layering one another, filling the gaps of each other. The ultimate presentation of music, is to never let the audience have the feelings of "if only".

Amidst all the crap he said, i truly and firmly believed in this.

We did not win any more trophy that night.

We did, however, beaten ourselves.

To be in love with the very music we played. To be proud of the music we presented.

Closure was perhaps a form of release from resentment to me.

I did not have a closure back then and still do not have it now.

Because i never once felt that it was a burden to be playing and performing.

I was proud to be there when it happened. To be part of it.

Thank you all for making it happen with me.

It will never be closed.

It is always a sweet senerade singing in the slience of the night.

:)

~Mr Jen has spoken.