...Thoughts...
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Sunday, October 12, 2008
` 10:43 PM
As i was playing the guitar and looking through the small crowd of 50 odd, i thought about her.

I imagined her sitting there, just like the others.

I imagined her smiles, her way of singing the songs, her reactions to the questions posed upon by the speaker, her look in the eyes, her happiness of it being a Sunday, her saddness of not being at home, her relief at seeing me, her pain at her disability.

It all came flooding back to me while i was playing.

I couldn't help but tear.

I tried to hold back but the last straw came when i remembered her last words.

"I am not afraid of death, i just can't bear to leave you all."

I can't hold back anymore.

A voice inside me told me that its good that i am crying but the same old me refused to let the weaker side of me to be seen.

I diverted my thoughts away and carry on with is needed to be done, not wanting to be seen or heard.

It has been 1 and a half years, but it still bring back hurt and tears whenever i go back to Bethany again.

I still miss her alot.

I love you Grandma.

Always do.

~Mr Jen has spoken.

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