Friday, October 31, 2008
` 2:13 AM
I got a rude awakening this morning as i received a sms from my beloved Dr Andrew.
"Have you trained for 7th Dec? I only run up till 10km lei"
I think to myself on my bed.
I barely even make it to 8!
Gosh and its just 5 weeks away.
So i came home today, changed and went running. Despite all the tiredness and headache, i wanted to push myself. Afterall, isn't pushing your self to the limit the act that everyone is doing by signing up for marathon?
So i went.
I enjoy the night breeze, with the smell of burnt wood.
I could feel my knees creaking, my heart pounding like a overloaded washing machine, my head spinning and the sound of madonna's "give it to me" from my mp3.
To my own amazement, i ran more than what i planned.
I kinda like this running part. It seems like He talked to me while i run. I always learn alot of lessons in the process as i let my mind drift into issues and problems i face. Think about the things that i don dare to probe in my daily life, fearing that they could drag me away from my day to day work. Trying to understand why certain things occur, why certain people appear in my life, why certain decisions i made were affecting me now.
Perhaps the road back seems so long, that it reflects on my life that i dunno where does it end. I could only struggle to cover the ground every single seconds,telling myself not to give up, it will be there soon.
I can't rely on myself. I have to depend on Him.
The soul is willing but the flesh is weak.
This is a practical example i guess.
The part which i liked most, end of the run.
I sat alone at the playground facing the expressway. Seeing the cars go by in the bright street lamp, alot of things run through my mind.
I supposed at times i am so absorbed into the world that i don't even know that i am move at a speed that i can't imagine myself in. Only when i stop and look around that i realise the relative pace i have gone up to is terrifying.
I tink running is a manner which i can go away from myself and let myself SEE myself from another perspective.
Sound like tropic thunder.
In any case, be it i walk or run on the 7th Dec, i know it will be the day where i can look at myself again, perhaps, in a better light.
*Oh man, my friend gave birth!
~Mr Jen has spoken.
Monday, October 27, 2008
` 5:27 PM
I am sitting alone in a dark isolated corner in the Faculty of Engineering in NUS.
Sky is turning dark, rain are falling down and the winding howling straight into my face in this Monday afternoon.
For the first time, i savour this moment of madness in this school.
Yes, for the very first time, i appreciate this school.
The tranquility it gave me to be focused on what needs to be done.
Though i am disgusted by the number of people occupying the benches in this faculty despite being a public holiday. Horrified for the fact that i can't find a seat to eat at Macs when it is so crowded with fellow 'engineers' on this day. Disturbed by the reality that i am not alone in this school in today and everyone and anyone is pushing as hard as me in the last 3 weeks of school. Frustrated for the unwillingness for this faculty to switch on any air condition in any rooms for students to have a comfortable place to do their projects or revision.
I like this feeling.
This feeling of pushing myself to the end. Feels like in the A levels. Every day is a non-stop action.
Despite having the fear that even when i am pushing hard, things might not turn out the way i would like it to be, or even become worse, i am enjoying this process.
My group mate said this to me -
"No matter what we will reach the end point, why then, don we just enjoy it all till it comes to the end?might as well right?"
Its not a pessimistic way of moving forward. But its a way, i realised, we make the world go round isn't it?
I have not been shortchanged by Him in anyway.
In a way, i am sorry.
Sorry for not trying harder back then.
Sorry for putting the blame on Him.
Sorry for all the things i said that hurt Him.
I'm sorry.
Thank YOU for allowing me to have the chance to say sorry.
On the hindsight of my thoughts:
Do i need to be okay to help others? Do i need to feel good to make other feel good
It doesn't work that way i supposed.
It's just a matter of willingness and how much you view giving up yourselves as compared to the gaining of others. There is no perfect balance. Only perceived balance. To what extend will you say yes?
~Mr Jen has spoken.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
` 2:48 AM
my personal favourite.
just cant stop listening to it.
~Mr Jen has spoken.
Friday, October 17, 2008
` 10:48 PM
I wish i could sing well...
What would happen if i choose to go La Salle then instead of NUS?
It wasn't meant to be i guess.
~Mr Jen has spoken.
` 1:36 AM
Strangely i feel the need to be detached from myself.
Strange.
Why am i always staying up so late for?
~Mr Jen has spoken.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
` 10:43 PM
As i was playing the guitar and looking through the small crowd of 50 odd, i thought about her.
I imagined her sitting there, just like the others.
I imagined her smiles, her way of singing the songs, her reactions to the questions posed upon by the speaker, her look in the eyes, her happiness of it being a Sunday, her saddness of not being at home, her relief at seeing me, her pain at her disability.
It all came flooding back to me while i was playing.
I couldn't help but tear.
I tried to hold back but the last straw came when i remembered her last words.
"I am not afraid of death, i just can't bear to leave you all."
I can't hold back anymore.
A voice inside me told me that its good that i am crying but the same old me refused to let the weaker side of me to be seen.
I diverted my thoughts away and carry on with is needed to be done, not wanting to be seen or heard.
It has been 1 and a half years, but it still bring back hurt and tears whenever i go back to Bethany again.
I still miss her alot.
I love you Grandma.
Always do.
~Mr Jen has spoken.
Sunday, October 05, 2008
` 10:05 PM
Attended a Singapore Symphony Orchestra concert yesterday night.
It wasn't really a very good one. To a certain extend i was pretty disappointed by the coldness of the music that was presented. Technically, it was perfect. But just like what my dear friend vivien said, it was like listening from the CD.
Stale and pale.
But it was also the concert and the music that i felt an urge to be on the stage again.
To feel the vibrations of the strings, through the wooden frame, driving into my blood stream. Flowing through me.
To feel the whole movement of the orchestra as one.
To be in one with the rest around you.
The pounding of the timpani.
The high pitch of the flute.
The plucking of the strings on the wood.
The banging of the gongs.
The beat on the skin of the drums.
Gosh i miss it all.
It was always in my dream to be performing at the highest level, on the stage, to feel the surge of life in the very music that i play, to be immersed in it and breathe it.
5 years are a long time by any standards.
I still savoured the 10minutes on stage. Where exhibit our sweat and soil for a whole year.
Who would believe that we can do it?
Would anyone be crazy enough to be just practicing merely 2 songs in a year in order to let the music and the humans be integrated as one?
I still remember i shed no tears on that final night. When everyone were finding hard to believe that it was the end. That the journey has come to a close.
I remembered my dearest section mates yanli and yingling telling me that perhaps 10years down the road we can come together again, to find back the feelings then.
I did not cry, not because i wasn't upset. But because i did not want to acknowledge that this was the end.
I acted strong when tears was draining through my heart the very moment the last note ended on the stage.
I had such a mentality.
Refusing to accept when it all come to a closure?
Still remember that Huang lao shi says that music at its very best, was to convert all the beats of notes, into strings of harmony, layering one another, filling the gaps of each other. The ultimate presentation of music, is to never let the audience have the feelings of "if only".
Amidst all the crap he said, i truly and firmly believed in this.
We did not win any more trophy that night.
We did, however, beaten ourselves.
To be in love with the very music we played. To be proud of the music we presented.
Closure was perhaps a form of release from resentment to me.
I did not have a closure back then and still do not have it now.
Because i never once felt that it was a burden to be playing and performing.
I was proud to be there when it happened. To be part of it.
Thank you all for making it happen with me.
It will never be closed.
It is always a sweet senerade singing in the slience of the night.
:)
~Mr Jen has spoken.