Sunday, September 28, 2008
` 11:29 PM
A part of me has been defeated.
The part that has been dragging me for these prolonged period of time telling me how much i deserved more and how much i should have had if only.
I am glad that i lost.
In a way that it has once again tell me that the road ahead will be tougher and it will be back to challenge me all over again, at another level, hurting another part of me.
I am glad i took the step to reconcile with the people and events in my life.
Just when i thought that this could be the end of me, i got a rude awakening that He is not going to let me just slip away.
I chuckled at my own foolishness. How many times has this happened?
Not once, twice or even thrice. It has done me harm so many times that i have already sort of starting to savour the challenge of facing it again.
Pastor said this on Saturday:
"Ready to Fail is something that is good"
I was shocked by the truth of it and the straightforwardness of it.
Yeah. I guess He might be preparing me for something i could never imagine.
I am starting to enjoy my night run with the wind blowing into my face. Though my back hurts and my heart is working like i was 18, i kinda enjoy this pain.
Because i know this pain is only temporary while the benefits that i will get out of it is for a long time to come.
Just as i sent my dear brother junyong off yesterday, a part of me still wonder (i confess that it was in a resentful way:p) why am i not the one to go 3 yrs back? Why did it slip past me? WHy is everyone else living the dream i wanted so much?
Then to my amazement. I answered my own question.
Because His plans are better then my plans. His will greater than mine.
If i were to go, i would never have been by grandma's side when she's gone.
If i were to go, i would never have experience failures in life so hard that i am broken inside
If i were to go, i would never have build relationships with the people around like i do now
If i were to go, i would never have know that NUS is not a good place to be in
If i were to go, i would never have know how difficult it is to have a long distance relationship
If i were to go, i would never have the chance to work in Alpha Camp
If i were to go, i would have still believe that i am always in control of my life.
Though i still want and hope to go overseas one day, i am glad that for now i am grounded here.
A big stone has been lifted from my heart.
Sometimes i wonder if technology harm us or help us?
Helping us to say things that we cant say face to face or giving us an easy way out to reach people at a distance?
Pick up the pieces and go Mr Jen.
The next round is just ahead.
*Thanx huiling and ruijie for all the concern:) my mouth is itching for my singing session:)
~Mr Jen has spoken.