Monday, September 15, 2008
` 11:53 PM
In the midst of all these, i realize what was i unhappy about.
Its all the "i only care for who i want to care and i only love who i want to love,for the rest? if i have time i will consider" attitude.
Maybe you can put it this way that i am probably the one on the receiving end most of the time (at least i felt so) that i felt so strongly about it right now.
Aren't we supposed to love the unlovable and care for those who are so call not worthy of care?
Perhaps i am really those most unlovable and Unworthy of care.
If man are selfish, i think i put my expectations too high to think that there is a difference in this place, when, but with the utmost right i that i have, it IS supposed to be different.
But i have been disappointed, time and time again.
I want to leave. But inside me i am finding reasons not to.
Till some point, when i find no more reasons for it, i will go. I don't think i will take very long for that.
"Do onto others what you want others to do onto you"
I did the first part, what i did not anticipate is that what you want others to do onto you is something that, in this scenario, is so difficult to be achieved.
I try to think when was the last time someone put an arm around me or gave me a pat on my back, sat with me and tell me that everything is going to be alright.
There isn't.
The last time was with grandma, and she was on the wheel chair.
I am not comparing anything here, but i just want to state that i am no saint. I feel pain too. But at this point in time, i felt my pain is more than just self inflicted.
I was trying so hard to care and hold onto those who are leaving, that i realize i understand fully why they left. It has got nothing to do with Him. Its the sense of loneliness you felt when you are in a group and you realize that all the more you hate this feeling.
For those who are trying to salvage things, really appreciate it very much. But i supposed its a little too late?
For those who don't understand a single thing i am say, then don't.
Its time to pack and go.
It time i become alittle bit more selfish, right?
*Thanx Esther, for making me feel that perhaps there is someone supporting me from behind. thanks for the little conversation:)
~Mr Jen has spoken.