...Thoughts...
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Sunday, September 28, 2008
` 11:29 PM
A part of me has been defeated.

The part that has been dragging me for these prolonged period of time telling me how much i deserved more and how much i should have had if only.

I am glad that i lost.

In a way that it has once again tell me that the road ahead will be tougher and it will be back to challenge me all over again, at another level, hurting another part of me.

I am glad i took the step to reconcile with the people and events in my life.

Just when i thought that this could be the end of me, i got a rude awakening that He is not going to let me just slip away.

I chuckled at my own foolishness. How many times has this happened?

Not once, twice or even thrice. It has done me harm so many times that i have already sort of starting to savour the challenge of facing it again.

Pastor said this on Saturday:

"Ready to Fail is something that is good"

I was shocked by the truth of it and the straightforwardness of it.

Yeah. I guess He might be preparing me for something i could never imagine.

I am starting to enjoy my night run with the wind blowing into my face. Though my back hurts and my heart is working like i was 18, i kinda enjoy this pain.

Because i know this pain is only temporary while the benefits that i will get out of it is for a long time to come.

Just as i sent my dear brother junyong off yesterday, a part of me still wonder (i confess that it was in a resentful way:p) why am i not the one to go 3 yrs back? Why did it slip past me? WHy is everyone else living the dream i wanted so much?

Then to my amazement. I answered my own question.

Because His plans are better then my plans. His will greater than mine.

If i were to go, i would never have been by grandma's side when she's gone.
If i were to go, i would never have experience failures in life so hard that i am broken inside
If i were to go, i would never have build relationships with the people around like i do now
If i were to go, i would never have know that NUS is not a good place to be in
If i were to go, i would never have know how difficult it is to have a long distance relationship
If i were to go, i would never have the chance to work in Alpha Camp
If i were to go, i would have still believe that i am always in control of my life.

Though i still want and hope to go overseas one day, i am glad that for now i am grounded here.

A big stone has been lifted from my heart.

Sometimes i wonder if technology harm us or help us?

Helping us to say things that we cant say face to face or giving us an easy way out to reach people at a distance?

Pick up the pieces and go Mr Jen.

The next round is just ahead.

*Thanx huiling and ruijie for all the concern:) my mouth is itching for my singing session:)


~Mr Jen has spoken.

Thursday, September 25, 2008
` 1:34 AM
This Time
Jonathan Rhys Meyers

Tonight the sky above
Reminds me how to love
Walking through wintertime, the stars all shine
The angel on the stairs
Will tell you I was there
Under the front porch light
On the mistery night

I’ve been sitting, watching life pass from the sidelines
Been waiting for a dream to seep in through my blinds
I wondered what might happen if I left this all behind
Would the wind be at my back
Could I get you off my mind
This time

The neon lights and bars
And headlights from the cars
Started a symphony surrounding me
The things I left behind
Have melted in my mind
And now there’s a purity inside of me

I’ve been sitting, watching life pass from the sidelines
Been waiting for a dream to seep in through my blinds
I wondered what might happen if I left this all behind
Would the wind be at my back
Could I get you off my mind
This time

I’ve been sitting, watching life pass from the sidelines
Been waiting for a dream to seep in through my blinds
I wondered what might happen if I left this all behind
Would the wind be at my back
Could I get you off my mind
This time


~Mr Jen has spoken.

Sunday, September 21, 2008
` 12:36 AM
Perhaps Siqi is right.

I am emptied and empty right now.

Dig from me what ever you want from me because i am already emptied.

You want love?
take it.

You want care?
take it.

You want sympathy?
take it.

Its all empty now.

Thoroughly emptied.

i'm sorry because i can't provide anymore than this.


~Mr Jen has spoken.

Monday, September 15, 2008
` 11:53 PM
In the midst of all these, i realize what was i unhappy about.

Its all the "i only care for who i want to care and i only love who i want to love,for the rest? if i have time i will consider" attitude.

Maybe you can put it this way that i am probably the one on the receiving end most of the time (at least i felt so) that i felt so strongly about it right now.

Aren't we supposed to love the unlovable and care for those who are so call not worthy of care?

Perhaps i am really those most unlovable and Unworthy of care.

If man are selfish, i think i put my expectations too high to think that there is a difference in this place, when, but with the utmost right i that i have, it IS supposed to be different.

But i have been disappointed, time and time again.

I want to leave. But inside me i am finding reasons not to.

Till some point, when i find no more reasons for it, i will go. I don't think i will take very long for that.

"Do onto others what you want others to do onto you"

I did the first part, what i did not anticipate is that what you want others to do onto you is something that, in this scenario, is so difficult to be achieved.

I try to think when was the last time someone put an arm around me or gave me a pat on my back, sat with me and tell me that everything is going to be alright.

There isn't.

The last time was with grandma, and she was on the wheel chair.

I am not comparing anything here, but i just want to state that i am no saint. I feel pain too. But at this point in time, i felt my pain is more than just self inflicted.

I was trying so hard to care and hold onto those who are leaving, that i realize i understand fully why they left. It has got nothing to do with Him. Its the sense of loneliness you felt when you are in a group and you realize that all the more you hate this feeling.

For those who are trying to salvage things, really appreciate it very much. But i supposed its a little too late?

For those who don't understand a single thing i am say, then don't.

Its time to pack and go.

It time i become alittle bit more selfish, right?

*Thanx Esther, for making me feel that perhaps there is someone supporting me from behind. thanks for the little conversation:)


~Mr Jen has spoken.

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