Saturday, December 23, 2006
` 12:54 AM
Its pretty hard to admit you are stubborn and wrong isn't it?
It takes much to swallow your pride to acknowledge that you did not let go of the wrong n dwell in self pity.
I learnt of that.
Its so ironic that i am visiting grandma everyday alone counselling her when i see myself in her.
Such resemblence and similiarities. Such brutal truth about human who more often than not are being bound by his own desires and creations.
Money,Anger,Power,Status,Control,People.
How much longer will she take to see that its not all that to life?
How much longer will i take to see that its not all that to life?
Grandma told me this today :
"It hurts me to see half of the people of my generations passed away. Going below. I feel tha pain when i thought that i am going to there soon. Isn't life nothing at all?Isn't it just like this?"
I consoled her. Tell her that its more than this when you live for God. Its not just how much u life but how you live.
But inside me i am crying.
I eat my own words.Is life just like this?DId i really live a life more than this?I have similiar thoughts as her. As i comfort her i feel my face burning with shame.Do i know what i am say?
Isn't me chasing and holding on to things she refused to let go?Wasn't i clutching to things that is not meant to be eternal?
Money,Anger,Power,Status,Control,People.
My heart cried. We prayed.Together.
Her face remains in denial about life.
I start to see human beings in a different light.
We are the same.Be it 20 or 80 yrs old. There are certain things which we would to hold on to. Something that signifies our value and our worth. That we feel secure for now. We will not let go because it exist a word call MINE. We are bounded by our own limits within our own boundaries. When will we see that it is just us making ourselves worse off?
Easier said than done.
God, i thank you for every lesson you taught me with Grandma.
Trust me that it is tiring. Yes i admit it is tiring to go to the nursing home and talk and care for an elderly who refused to accept the state she is in everyday. Yes everyday. It has taken its toll.
But i thank God for every single thing that occur. It reminds me of the presence of God.
That i went not for a routine. but because i love my Grandma.
I may be short tempered.Impatient.Imperfect.
Through her i am changing.Through Him iam moulded.
Well. This is more than jus life isn't it?
*HAPPY BIRTHDAY LITING N DUNLIN N JIANYANG
**HAPPY ANNIVERSARY:)
~Mr Jen has spoken.