...Thoughts...
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Thursday, December 28, 2006
` 2:14 AM
Just went steamboat dinner with ruijie,zeyi,baohe,merv n erik..too bad huiling u miss out the food man and shiqi where are u?????...it was great to have steamboat in the cold chilling weather...getting back to the old days of AJ ice at AMK central...

it was a good ending to a day which i felt relatively pissed should i say?

first table tennis training was cancelled when we were cheated coz it was a trip to sentosa not training..but good effort by the seniors though..

then the results of exams.

its screwed up.i am very disappointed.

-"get on with life"

yeah i am trying to do so.

i am listening to the jars of clay song now.(click on the top right icon to play the song)

i wish i noe what i am feeling now.confused.

Did You really have to die for me?
For all i am, for all You are, for what i need and what i believe in

i do hope that its a good wake up call for me. Where have i placed Him in my life?hidden in a corner? How many falls do i need before i feel the pain of walking alone?

i feel the 2 parts of me.

The part that WANT.
&
The part that NEED.

There isn't much tomorrow for me to think about today as yesterday.

Wake up bro...

*i guess i am emo now..zeyi says emo is good..is it?


~Mr Jen has spoken.

Saturday, December 23, 2006
` 12:54 AM
Its pretty hard to admit you are stubborn and wrong isn't it?

It takes much to swallow your pride to acknowledge that you did not let go of the wrong n dwell in self pity.

I learnt of that.

Its so ironic that i am visiting grandma everyday alone counselling her when i see myself in her.

Such resemblence and similiarities. Such brutal truth about human who more often than not are being bound by his own desires and creations.

Money,Anger,Power,Status,Control,People.

How much longer will she take to see that its not all that to life?
How much longer will i take to see that its not all that to life?

Grandma told me this today :

"It hurts me to see half of the people of my generations passed away. Going below. I feel tha pain when i thought that i am going to there soon. Isn't life nothing at all?Isn't it just like this?"

I consoled her. Tell her that its more than this when you live for God. Its not just how much u life but how you live.

But inside me i am crying.

I eat my own words.Is life just like this?DId i really live a life more than this?I have similiar thoughts as her. As i comfort her i feel my face burning with shame.Do i know what i am say?
Isn't me chasing and holding on to things she refused to let go?Wasn't i clutching to things that is not meant to be eternal?

Money,Anger,Power,Status,Control,People.

My heart cried. We prayed.Together.

Her face remains in denial about life.

I start to see human beings in a different light.

We are the same.Be it 20 or 80 yrs old. There are certain things which we would to hold on to. Something that signifies our value and our worth. That we feel secure for now. We will not let go because it exist a word call MINE. We are bounded by our own limits within our own boundaries. When will we see that it is just us making ourselves worse off?

Easier said than done.

God, i thank you for every lesson you taught me with Grandma.

Trust me that it is tiring. Yes i admit it is tiring to go to the nursing home and talk and care for an elderly who refused to accept the state she is in everyday. Yes everyday. It has taken its toll.

But i thank God for every single thing that occur. It reminds me of the presence of God.

That i went not for a routine. but because i love my Grandma.

I may be short tempered.Impatient.Imperfect.

Through her i am changing.Through Him iam moulded.

Well. This is more than jus life isn't it?


*HAPPY BIRTHDAY LITING N DUNLIN N JIANYANG
**HAPPY ANNIVERSARY:)


~Mr Jen has spoken.

Thursday, December 21, 2006
` 12:11 AM
Suddenly all things is happening around me.Again.

Years of anger resurface.
Ailling health falling again.
Age catching up.
People in the agony of pain.
Unforgiving heart.
Impatient minds.
Tired legs.
Depressed souls.
Unhappy faces.
Denial.
Fears.
Confused mind.

Why is it that when it occurs, all occurs.
When it don't, none will.

Sometimes i hate the fact i have to follow and believe with faith like a child.

Because i cant.

Can i just walk out now and pretend that i have nv noe all these before?

how long can i hold on to a belief which i have not SEEN?

and they tell me 'faith is believing without seeing'

its a thin line between faith and blind faith.


~Mr Jen has spoken.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006
` 2:53 PM
Jian En is gone.

Goodbye my friends.

*is boredom killing me?or am i killing boredom?


~Mr Jen has spoken.

` 2:26 AM
I feel far from Him.

I tink i am seeking attention but i am not receiving it so i am far.

there are times i wish i could be invicible but i am not.

there are times i hope that i can control everything but i cant.

there are situations i dream could happen but i am unable to.

there are people i want to be closer to but i am not.

i think these are the reasons i am far.

If YOU are listening, please talk to me.


~Mr Jen has spoken.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006
` 1:23 AM
i need to eat the humble pie more willingly.

Acknowledging that i am not at all what i thought i was.

Understanding that there is more than it is for me to know.

Knowing that i am just like any others.

Realising that there are times where i am alone and really alone.

I am just another person who is hoping for the better for myself everyday.

I guess i am wrong in this sense.


~Mr Jen has spoken.

Sunday, December 10, 2006
` 1:51 AM
i read this article in straits times today about Elitism.

Go read INSIGHT S11 of Saturday Straits Times.

Hmm.

What should i say so that i won't get sued for comments that is detrimental to the public?

Ha.

Nah i am not gonna be criticising or promoting elitism in Singapore.Everyone is entitled to their opinions, but i would perhaps suggest if you are free go check out this article. Its so true yet so scary.

"Elite = Elitism concept is wrong in the first place."

this is something i learn from the article. when you are an elite does not make u some one part of this elitism thingy.but it is possible(highly as stated by some) that you become part of it.i thought about this sentence while i was shi**ing. How true it is.

Rough definition: Elite = someone who is academically inclined and outstanding
Elitism = Bred of self centeredness and a sense of condemnation of others
beneath

I thought about the meritocracy here in town and of course it breds elite. but elitism?

Elitism, i guess, is something which is brought into the picture by the society and people, perhaps encouraged by the skewed usage of the system in place. Come on, be frank about it there are some elites who belong to the elitism group. but there are asp those who are as normal as everyone except that they are in the elite positions. Maybe some will say they have these positions because of the disparage treatment that society has preference to them, but be fair to them man, they have their fair share of hardwork,maybe not as much as you and me but they don buy their way through. They work too.

How can you measure hardship?but how much you lost and how much they gain?

Pros and Cons.

i guess i am not the least concern about who is elite and what is elitism.but i am more concern about how this society brands the elites and non elites. Some day, i wish it will nv come, we might find ourselves in the place where we revert to the system of the accepted and outcast of the past. Gosh, the rich get richer and the poor get poorer?Man in the clutches of its own wisdom?i am worried.

come on man i am jus 21 why should i be worried?

well i am not being political here(i am least interested in it) nor am i trying to justify certain idealogy.

but hey man.

if one day you are the upper class of the system, what WOULD you do?

or

you are the outcast, what CAN you do?

Are you gonna be a Singaporean or be a outcast/elite Singaporean?

the truth is i dunno whats my choice my fren.

its scaring the freak out of me when one day i cant talk to any of my frens because i am not the same class as them.

what the hell is happening man?

*i just got the urge to blog about this....


~Mr Jen has spoken.

Friday, December 08, 2006
` 2:27 AM
Had family lunch at Crystal Jade Korean Crusine..Happy Birthday Big Bro..

Went sentosa and meet up with 18/02 to play for a while before going Vivocty for dinner with those who couldn't make it for sentosa...

thanks ppl for the present man:)

Thank you Ivan,Fanglong,Weitien,Arthur,Kiankok,Loh Wei,
Guoyi,Zhihan,Daniel,Hildya,Winnie,Chaihsia,Ruide,Eunice,Benedict,Chuin pei,
Liwen.

Watched De Javu after that.Ending sucks.

I miss my JC days man.

I jus miss the times we spend talking crap in LT, walking slowly to class,eating in the canteen and slping in lectures.

Gosh i miss 18/02.


~Mr Jen has spoken.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006
` 2:47 PM
i start to like slow rock again....

damn 2 more hours to paper and i am blogging.....


~Mr Jen has spoken.

` 12:09 AM
Me: i am damn stressed now man..
FL: Me too..
....
FL: i give you a tip on how to get rid of the feeling of despair
FL: say a short prayer first
FL: then concentrate on very very very hard on the image of Jesus Christ on the cross
FL: think of how he suffered in comparison to say, the toughest time in OCS..
Me: i feel guilty
FL: yeah..

did i just FORGET that Christ died for me on the cross?

or

did i nv take the significance of it into my life?


~Mr Jen has spoken.

Monday, December 04, 2006
` 1:16 AM
I am tired...very tired....
Maybe that's why i am hallucinating at time...
truth or lies?
fake or real?
i am hallucinating again...or am i knowingly hallucinating?


~Mr Jen has spoken.

Friday, December 01, 2006
` 12:01 AM
Perhaps so.

But i tink i am getting a clearer picture.

Be it for me or against me.

Things have to be done.

Well.

You can run but u will never be able to outrun.

A theory reckoned.


~Mr Jen has spoken.

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