...Thoughts...

Thursday, April 27, 2006

` 11:23 PM

Today i out pen on paper on my future....i have signed it...a 4 yr contract...

Company : Sembcorp
University : NUS
Bond : 4 yrs
Minimum grade : B
Price for breaking bond : pay back everything plus 10% interest per annum

As much as i want to go imperial i found myself back on the ground again in Singapore.
It seems that He wants me to stay.
I asked Him that if Sembcorp would give me a local award it means i have to stay here and its His will.
And it did.
There are times in life where you will not be going where you wish to be.
Where you are going might not be where you want to be.
But you know that are His plans.
His plans for you are the best.
This is not self-denial nor self deceiving as what many perceived.
This is call faith. Christian faith.

You believe without seeing. If you can see, do you need to believe?

As much as i wish someone is willing to send me to imperial now, i know i will never be going there. Because there are things here for me to do.What things?i don't know. Only time will tell.

"Now that you have signed, you have to tidy up your mindset and start working hard. better know how to handle your stuff and your BGR."

"i know.You have been saying that since i am secondary school! Everything is ok la"

"Now you can hear us nag better listen. In time to come we won't be around anymore..you want ppl to nag also don't have"

"Err..Err.....ok"

~Mr Jen has spoken.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

` 11:51 PM

i am rotting and fungus are growing all over me....can someone help me?

Decision need to be made.....in 48 hours time....

~Mr Jen has spoken.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

` 10:28 PM

It has come to an end...should i say finally?...My NS life has reached its end i would say...not literally..but laterally...because the final course i am taking has jus ended today....On the vehicle back to camp yesterday after live firing..the feeling is weird....i realised that i will never ever set a step inside the jungle of Lim Chu Kang ever again....I will not don the green uniform and walk around the greenery again...sick isn't it?when every single NSF in the army hates the sight of it and cant wait to get out of it...i admit its sickening when u r out there for days without proper slp..no proper meals...no bathing..its truely sickening...but then i think again..its really true that its only this 2 years of my life that i don think about exams,results and not using my brains for long periods of time...perhaps its my adaptaability is fast such that i will fit into the new environment easily and grow to be accustomed to it...

they say when u reach a new phase of ur life and a cross road....u tend to look back and somehow feel that u do miss some part of it though...

this is what i am feeling now..another phase to move on...

Some time i tink i am being too sentimental and emotional...
Some time i tink i am being too rational and cool headed...
Some time i tink i am being rationally sentimental...

i tink i am the 3rd option now.

Rationalise why i would miss army. Having sentiments on missing army.

Feels like an orange which is sweet but leaves a sour after taste...try it before?

Now as i start the walk to the end of this road...i found myself facing yet another crossroad..

"From the test results, its likely that there are blockages in 2 blood vessels in the heart. I would say you have 2 options, either to go for the operation or to take long term medication. Given the age above 70, i would say that operation has its risk of a second stroke and heart attack. I would not push you for that. Perhaps you can go back and talk to your family members and give us the answer in 6 weeks time in your next appointment?Though we appreciate that you inform us earlier."

"i don't want operation. I don't want a second stroke. Isn't this bad enough?"

"No one says you are going to have another stroke!No doctors can say 100% that it will not happen correct?We have to trust Him right?"

"Hi there!This is calling from Natsteel Asia. Congratualations!Your application is successful!We have sent you a mail and would like you to reply to us by next tuesday?"

"Erm..ok..thank you..."

She wept...

The line went flat...

~Mr Jen has spoken.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

` 11:45 PM

impulse...happiness...surging....mellow....release....

too many words to describe....

none is able to....

to spell out the feeling that you will have when ur mind,soul and body is immerse into the music around you...the music that you are playing yourself...

i try hard to think of a word or a group of words to spell it out...but i cant....

its when u can feel that ur music brings out what your body is trying to tell others and your body brings out the music which the piece is trying to tell others...it merges...

it has been so long since i last felt that...

Back in 2003...on the platform...

how do i describe it?...fulfillment?...

Anyone can tell me?

i suddenly thought of it while playing the drum yesterday...

i miss that feeling....

shucks..

~Mr Jen has spoken.

Monday, April 03, 2006

` 5:27 PM

i sped at 150km/h without realising it because the road was empty and i was listening to MayDay..

Then i realise the line between life and death was so thin....

i thought of what will happen to other ppl around me after death...

i release the accelerator...

i start to feel scared....

~Mr Jen has spoken.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

` 12:16 AM

i feel like biting ppl...because i jus feel like it lor...no special reason.....who to bite?..myself lor

feeling tired because i am shuffling between interviews ad work these few days...went for ST interview today..don tink it went well...haiz...sorta screwed up when i met those 3 executive or wat so ever and they grilled me inside out..jus when i about to wake up from my lazy morning self i was told that i can leave..who do i blame?..myself lor...

ending work only at 10pm...sometimes i ask myself why do i stay back so late and do things when others don bother to do?...then i tell myself i wanna justify my pay...but what's the point when everyone goes home early and u r the only one left in the office doing work...all u get is "wah so late still haven go back ar?so garang ar?"...who asking for it?...myself lor..

something is wrong with me lately..i needa do a thorough check up on my body...

~Mr Jen has spoken.