Thursday, January 26, 2006
` 12:13 AM
Things was looking better till today....but suddenly all changes....received a sms by bro telling me she was sent back to A&E from the nursing home this morning.....Reason: weak heart...i was in a mist of lessons..my mind went blank....wanted so much to rush over...forced a weak smile for my trainees....prayed...leaving all in God's hand...
Dad told me she had pain in her heart this morning...cousin says she had a so-called minor heart attack...but is stable currently...it wasn't until 7 did i managed to get back from work and rush off to hospital....she was...again..lying on the bed...in her strained position...i stroke her head...she tell me softly that she is feeling weak....softly that she feel useless unable to even clear her bowels by herself....then in tears...she says she is scared.....
scared that once she closed her eyes she wont open again...
scared that she will end up like what happened to her bro and mother....
scared that she cant bear the pain....
scared that she wont be able to see us again....
she cried while she says....wo bu she de ni men...zhen de zhen de bu she de....wo bu shi dan xin...wo zi shi bu she de...
i swallowed my tears...i cant cried...my heart poured out that i miss her too....i want her to get well...and talk to us like ever before...but i cant let emotions run...because i noe i have to be strong...we have to be strong..in order for her to be strong...i know she is going to be alright...she will be...
pat her hand...told her not to worry...told her to let go of the worries...let go of the knots in her heart...let God take over...let go of all saddness....to be happy...happy to have us..happy to have life...i told her about Job...his sufferings...about Abraham...his barren wife who nv lose hope...about all the others whom God never forgets....
we prayed...
Dear God, as we leave all things in Your hand today,we leave ourselves to You.
We let go of the knots in our heart and let You lead O Lord.
We let go of all because we know You will never let go of us.
Like You never let go of all the others, You promised Never to forsake us.
Now, we leave her in Your hand.
That You will give her the strength to fight the battle in not just her flesh, but her spirit as well.
For her to let go of all things to You.
For You say You will give rest to all who are weary and come to You.
O Lord, Help her.
That she will leave behind her weariness and have the peace and happiness that You give us.
The peace and happiness that we must have even in pain.
The hope that Your grace can bring.
We trust in You Lord.
And in You Alone.
Amen.
Tears rolled down.
But God alone can carry us through.
I don mind the tiredness of running work,home and hospital everyday.
I don mind the hassle of changing buses jus to get to NUH.
I don mind the long walk along th corridor and wait for the lift.
I don mind missing dinner jus to sit and talk to her.
I don mind listening to all her stories of how she met him to start a family.
I don mind staying till late until the nurses chase us out.
I don mind washing her legs everyday and massaging her.
I don mind all other things.
I start to know what it means by 'Be still and know that He is God'
Yes i will be still.
Have hope.
Be positve.
Because i know that He is God.
~Mr Jen has spoken.