...Thoughts...
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Sunday, January 29, 2006
` 11:41 PM

Happy Chinese New Year Everyone!



I am shouting in my heart...shouts of jubilations and joy....



because....



today we have the most complete family gathering in 10 years!How long?10 YEARS!!!



except for my one and only cousin in NZ the rest of us were present...particularly after doc says grandma can go home for dinner tonight till 9pm....and dad promptly went to fetch her....



i cant describe what is inside me but all i can say is God has His will...Finally my prayers have been heard...its impt not to lose faith...it can take 10 yrs or even 20 or 30...impt point is we keep faith...



well i am glad i did....



though there are some worries and concer..i can sense the joy in my whole family...



finally after 10 long years.....



the prayer i had...for a family photo....for those that i hope to be in it to be in it.....



Thank You God!
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~Mr Jen has spoken.

Thursday, January 26, 2006
` 11:23 PM
i was standing beside her...talking cheerfully...things are getting better after her new medication....

then....

i heard loud wailing....cries...screams...

"Ah ma!wake up!ah ma!wake up!"

i froze.

suddenly the surrounding feels cold...

i turn around..looking at the bed beside her's...there...they were crying...tears dropping...face of denial...

She is gone.

i have never witness such a scene before.Never as live as it was.Only through the optics colour of tv where i criticised the poor portraiting of saddness and pain.Now it is in front of me.

I turn back to her who is still talking to me. i cant controlled my mind to think what if it happened to me.i don want to think about it.i realised i have fears.Extreme fears.

i don wish to experience the cold again.Cold in the heart.

Life gone right in my face.

i am glad it wasn't on me to handle the situation.

i don ever wan to.

though one day.........

we all have to....


~Mr Jen has spoken.

` 12:51 AM
Happy Birthday 2nd Bro....Happy 24th Birthday...

Xiao zhiyang...take care of you self..will be praying for you...

Cousin Da yang...God will open doors for you....


~Mr Jen has spoken.

` 12:13 AM
Things was looking better till today....but suddenly all changes....received a sms by bro telling me she was sent back to A&E from the nursing home this morning.....Reason: weak heart...i was in a mist of lessons..my mind went blank....wanted so much to rush over...forced a weak smile for my trainees....prayed...leaving all in God's hand...

Dad told me she had pain in her heart this morning...cousin says she had a so-called minor heart attack...but is stable currently...it wasn't until 7 did i managed to get back from work and rush off to hospital....she was...again..lying on the bed...in her strained position...i stroke her head...she tell me softly that she is feeling weak....softly that she feel useless unable to even clear her bowels by herself....then in tears...she says she is scared.....

scared that once she closed her eyes she wont open again...
scared that she will end up like what happened to her bro and mother....
scared that she cant bear the pain....
scared that she wont be able to see us again....

she cried while she says....wo bu she de ni men...zhen de zhen de bu she de....wo bu shi dan xin...wo zi shi bu she de...

i swallowed my tears...i cant cried...my heart poured out that i miss her too....i want her to get well...and talk to us like ever before...but i cant let emotions run...because i noe i have to be strong...we have to be strong..in order for her to be strong...i know she is going to be alright...she will be...

pat her hand...told her not to worry...told her to let go of the worries...let go of the knots in her heart...let God take over...let go of all saddness....to be happy...happy to have us..happy to have life...i told her about Job...his sufferings...about Abraham...his barren wife who nv lose hope...about all the others whom God never forgets....

we prayed...

Dear God, as we leave all things in Your hand today,we leave ourselves to You.
We let go of the knots in our heart and let You lead O Lord.
We let go of all because we know You will never let go of us.
Like You never let go of all the others, You promised Never to forsake us.
Now, we leave her in Your hand.
That You will give her the strength to fight the battle in not just her flesh, but her spirit as well.
For her to let go of all things to You.
For You say You will give rest to all who are weary and come to You.
O Lord, Help her.
That she will leave behind her weariness and have the peace and happiness that You give us.
The peace and happiness that we must have even in pain.
The hope that Your grace can bring.
We trust in You Lord.
And in You Alone.

Amen.

Tears rolled down.

But God alone can carry us through.

I don mind the tiredness of running work,home and hospital everyday.
I don mind the hassle of changing buses jus to get to NUH.
I don mind the long walk along th corridor and wait for the lift.
I don mind missing dinner jus to sit and talk to her.
I don mind listening to all her stories of how she met him to start a family.
I don mind staying till late until the nurses chase us out.
I don mind washing her legs everyday and massaging her.
I don mind all other things.

I start to know what it means by 'Be still and know that He is God'

Yes i will be still.
Have hope.
Be positve.
Because i know that He is God.


~Mr Jen has spoken.

Monday, January 16, 2006
` 11:22 PM
day 5 passed and things are looking brighter now....she is sitting up and talking...prayer at times....though she still cant move her left side...that is...wat they call....stroke....no signs...no warning..no nothing..it jus came...at least its getting better now...

these days seems to start from the time i went to the hospital...1 to 5...its slow...i haven realised i went back to nuh for more than 10 times in 5 days...the route seems to be much more familiar than the one going home...every time i go..i am filled with anxiety and hope...thinking about the worst..hoping for the best....at least for now..the latter stands....

bro says its time to see whether the family is standing tog...whether we are still united as before...or did we ever?for the minimum i tink...our generation of cousins did...for the older generation..its not up to us....all we can do is listen...i wish sometimes it doesn't take a sad issue to bring people together...

i thank those who cared for me..thanks alot....thank those who came to visit her...thanks...especially those who make the effort to come and visit and exercise her..talk to her...sing to her...church pals....for all the support...i thank you who always support...i thank God for letting me know changes do happen...and when changes happen...its not for us to revert them...its for us to accept....to grow...to forgive...to sacrifice...to adapt... to understand...and to trust.........

because changes is not always favourable....it can cause pain...cause hurt...and cause resentment.....deep hatred and resentment......

but its the only way...that we can grow...grow closer to Him...

isn't it?


~Mr Jen has spoken.

Saturday, January 14, 2006
` 2:13 PM
i still find it hard to accept the facts...its was jus a moment ago i was talking to her..telling her to get more rest and i will see herthe following day...a few hours later i received a call saying she was unwell...i thought it was jus a normal illness..how could i not realised that all along i was told that i cannot assume....not until i see the ambulance outside...the paramedics scrambbling to carry her onto the vehicle...i froze......i nv thought it could happen...again..i thought...

i insisted that i will follow the ambulance...i want no further from her anymore....the vehicle rush down the road...bukit batok...PIE...AYE...i cant bear to turn back and glance at her...i could see her vomit...see her in pain...see her unable to speak properly...i feel wretched....i feel i have neglected her long enough to start cherishing now...i wanted so much to scream at all the cars on the roaad to tell them to get off my way....i wanted to...

getting her down the vehicle into the A&E...i felt the cold...i couldn't do anything but jus telling her i am with her always with her..and she is gonna be alright....from her eyes...i see tiredness...i see the sense of fear in her...i see the pain that she is withholding...yet i could do nothing....i went with her till i was told to wait...................................

it was only after a few hours that i managed to see her again...in the same pain or worse....without much relieve....i talked to her....but she was barely conscious....the first thing she say when she open her eyes to see me again...was to ask me to go back to get some rest....my heart tears.....why did it all happen?

i couldn't slp that night....working seems aimless....i spent the following night beside her at the hospital..in the midst of the night....i cant bear it anymore....i cried...i cursed myself for being selfish...for taking things for granted...i held her hand...and she grab me tightly...and i realised i have nv once taken care of her like i did that night for the last 20 years...and all along it was her who took care of me....i stroke throught her long grey hairs...how much she has aged?...how can i not notice it?.....

i prayed....i pray that she would recover as soon as possible...i pray that all this was jus a small lesson...i pray that i will not lose sight of her...i pray....that God's will may be done...i keep praying.....till the doc told me that 5 days....all it takes is the next 5 days should her condition worsen....if not....it could well turn the tide for her....i pray...

i hope things will be the same again...

but i noe.....

from now on..it will be different....all has changed.....


~Mr Jen has spoken.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006
` 12:57 PM

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~Mr Jen has spoken.

` 12:08 PM
Suddenly i feel so weird......i felt perspiration on my skin...and it hit me.....

i am back....yes....back in Singapore...

well 3 weeks came as past like the year came and past...

I thoroughly enjoyed myself for the trip...especially with the company:)...
London is a nice place...so is Barcelona and Bath...and at least i get to see what Imperial College looks like and i stepped into it..well i was thinking maybe thats what God has prepared for me...To be there at least...Once....i will just follow his plan then....

yes yes yes..pictures will be up shortly...though i am sick and lazy now...down with flu..has one of the horrible flight back even though the seats feel much beta than the ones i took there..imagine you are having fever on a 13hrs flight in the middle of the world and you cannot make it out whetehr is it morning or night and you feel the chill in your spine with cold beads of perspiration inside...well..i hate that...but at least i slept.....

i miss london...i miss the weather..i miss the snow...i miss the city..i miss the sausages..i miss the people...i miss the church...i miss the environment....but most of all..

i miss you..

Jiayou k?Look forward though it will pass soon...to summer.... :)

Always have something to look forward to:)


~Mr Jen has spoken.

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