...Thoughts...
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Tuesday, December 27, 2005
` 8:43 AM
here is the preview of what happened in the last 11days...

.....15th dec..........i reached London.............

.....15th~20th dec......i was a tourist in London.....

.....2oth~22nd dec......i found myself in Barcelona...shopping..tourist..seeing the real NOU CAMP.....

.....23rd~26th dec.....i landed on Mallorca by sea....running around on the island known for the best beaches in spain...

....today......i stumble onto London again....though with abit of unhappy events at the immigrant office...no worries though....

i feel cold....

range from -1 to 12 degrees.....

but i like it..i savour every moment....

.......................to be continued..................................



~Mr Jen has spoken.

Thursday, December 15, 2005
` 3:32 AM
Time flies isn't it?

Alpha camp came and went by in a blink...like what they always says...gone with the wind...

i hope the campers have a good camp...hope they have manage to experience Him..or renewed their relationship...like a boy-girl relationship...it takes a on a new milestone everytime you go through things together....glad that i saw a few of them willing to accept Him during praise night...i was touched by the work of God..again..we man are jus the spreader...the growing is to God...

Now indeed i am on a new milestone...standing in the departure gates of changi airport..i am leaving...goodbye to those who din noe i am leaving....and for those who noe..thanks for all your care...look forward to it....first time though...reaching the airport alone...check in alone and came in without turning back to say goodbye..it scares me sometimes to be alone...real alone..but i noe God is with me...i will jiayou....for all...seeya next year and a merry christmas!

harn xiong n vin..thanx for the gd night out man...i had a lot of fun...ha...yup really miss u guys..hope we can have more such outings..i am FREE..:)

Dz zy jos jess n mq..have fun watching king kong...though jos was like slping?ha....anw have a great x'mas!

now..i have to wait 2 more hours..........................


~Mr Jen has spoken.

Sunday, December 04, 2005
` 11:39 PM
i didnt slp well last night...and i didn't want the day to come to remind me the day has began...but i saw some light today...light which makes me realise what was this all about...

i did not drive to church today...i took a bus...

bus was crowded and i was listening to my mp3...

i was sianz coz i miss 67 as i crossed the road and have to wait another 15 min before the next one came...and its a SUNDAY morning...it shouldn't be crowded at all..yet i only managed to salvage a seat at the rear of the bus...

dunno the reason but my mp3 keep playing my fav songs...slow and sad songs...

i was blocked by all the standing passengers in the bus that i could not see what was in front of the bus...

i started looking out the side of the bus and realise alot of things has changed on the road which i took to church every sunday...then i realised...

that i was driving all these while that i did not notice all the changes around the road...allli was doing while driving was to look infront and try my best to get to church asap....i did not look at the sides....jus in front...on the bus i not only could not see what lies ahead...i could not even see whether the bus was going on the correct road...yet i have faith...i have faith in the bus 67 which will bring me to church no matter what...such faith that i wasn't even looking to the front but glancing from side to side..looking around....things start to piece together and i figure it out as:

1. i was focusing to much of getting things done in the end that i wanted to do it fast and the easy way..

2. i only looked ahead and not to the surroundings that make my view so narrow and obscured

3. i only listen to the things in my mind and not around me.

4. WORST of all...i did not have enough faith in Him...because i thought i was in control and need no others...

i was wrong...and i figure that all along i was struggling to let go...let go to let Him take charge..because there is only so much i can do..yet so much He can...it becomes clearer....

but i still cant totally let it down...

Lord..let me come down so that You can go up....

time is running out.........


~Mr Jen has spoken.

Saturday, December 03, 2005
` 5:59 PM
i thought i covered all areas.....
i thought the loopholes are part and parcel of imperfection....
i thought i had a thorough knowledge.....
i thought i could make things happen.......
i thought i am strong enough to overcome whatever obstacles......

i thought i can........

but i failed......failed miserably.....i dunno what to do now.....

where to start from?how to salvage?why is it lidat?what can be done?

I AM TOTALLY LOST!

If it is a trial...please....i beg YOU....let it be over soon......because i do not know how much longer i can hold on........

i dunno.......


~Mr Jen has spoken.

Thursday, December 01, 2005
` 11:16 PM
i felt quite bad...because

-2 frens of mine have to take over my duties for work till late night tomolo when its totally not their problem at all....

-i am trying very hard to figrure things out for church camp...

-i haven exercise regularly this week...

i am feeling the pressure...the type of pressure which i felt when i took on the of pres for ajco and realise i got hundred members with 90% no knowledge of music at all and we have to go for syf...the pressure when i am tied between syf and work..the pressure when i can only slp 5 hours a day and not having proper slp but nightmares...the pressure when i have to drink 5 teaspoon of coffee a day jus to keep awake for 19hours...

i feel it once again..now...

i forgot how i cope with it and it seems to be a shadow...inside tells me that i have gone thru it and i can go thru it again....but guts tell it its different..totally different..because now its more than jus winning or losing a competition...its accepting things more than losing.......

Failure........

i want to shout out so much...to tell somebody about it..but i cant put it into words...i am unable to translate...its stucked...i feel helpless...utterly helpless....a form of despair yet unable to express through emotions....

i narrowed down the reasons:

-took on too much work which are beyond my scope
-doing everything on my own instead of sub out to others
-not focusing on task on hand and lazy
-no faith
-seeking perfection

something is in my throat yet i cant spit out...

figure that?its how i feel..

argh......

Did i?


~Mr Jen has spoken.

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